off the reservation

so i'm back in the game.
well, thats my hope anyways.
10 weeks of school down, one week of finals left.
i tried to prepare myself for becoming a student once again.
try i might...
it was just as gut-wrenching as i thought.
you would be amazed how quickly one must adjust to four hours of sleep each night.
you see, i have never been a good student.
NEVER!!!
you wanna know a secret...
i skated through the first time.
got b's in my psych classes cause i had to.
and all other classes tended to be around the c...more like d range.
i have never cared about grades.
and at the same time, this is not a reflection of my ability to learn.
i enjoy school very much actually.
i love lectures.
i love reading my textbooks.
i even end up researching some topics on my own time.
most all i enjoy getting to know my professors.
and i have been lucky enough for them to care to talk to me and encourage me in my search for answers.
but those damn gpa's.
they mean the world don't they...
escpecially when trying to get into nursing school!
bleh!
so out of necessity, i have become a crazy lady who really does spend around 18 hours a week (taking 9 units) outside of the 10 hours of lecture, studying.
the tragedy...i still don't know if i will get those a's that i want.
man o man. wouldn't straight a's be nice!
i havent got that since i was in the fourth grade.
(i actually think it was straight e's, for excellent!)
i have been experincing extreme anxiety before and even after exams.
like to a point where i sit in the bathroom for awhile because i think i might pewk!
and i am for sure developing ulcers by the day.
i hate that feeling.
i hate that i know i am an intelligent person and will make a great nurse.
yet if i don't get those grades.
i may not be allowed to be a nurse.
anyways...
not to be a debbie downer.
i am confident enough to know that if i dont make the cut i can move on and choose a different career path.
i just want it so badly!

excuses

not that you care, but this will be my excuse for the next 3-4 years...

i am a student.

this weeks happenings:

monday: wake up at 6, go to work for 10 hours, go to biology lecture for 4 hours and meet up with friends to relax with a beer, home at 11.

tuesday: work, school for textbooks and library use. friend- sean comes to town with some new friends. this doesn't happen often- so i choose to hang out and meet up with him. play some shuffle board, have some beers. and in bed by 11.

wednesday: wake up at 3 am to take peter to work and start my homework at his starbucks. go to work at 8, get done at 5:30, sit in traffic for 30 minutes on my way to class. start biology lab for 4 hours. go across town to pick up peter and say hi to sean and gang. in bed by midnight.

thursday: work 10 hours, sit in traffic, come home and take a shower for the first time in 3 days. gross-i know. enjoy a night with sean + friends at ron tom's. bed at 2.

friday: wake up at 7, class at 9. four hour lecture on lifespan development.

and finally... breathe!

i know full well that i could of chose to go home much earlier each night. but when friends are in town. all rules are ignored. which tends to mean we spend way to much money, way less sleep and have the time of our lives.

this school thing will be much more challenging now going back as an adult who cannot survive on working less then 40 hours a week while retaining those a's that will boost my chances of getting into the nursing program. but...it will all be okay. and if nothing else, a way to refer those college loans, eh? just kidding....or am i?

cooking is not for the faint of heart

sorry. another blog about cooking.

but it is my hobby...

and this is my blog...

i attempted to make home made ravioli tonight. spinach, proscuitto, and ricotta ravioli to be exact. i enjoyed the process more then the actual eating part. which is usually how it goes... an hour and a half of work and 10 minutes of eating. i don't think peter much cared for it, but i he did it out of love!

here are some pictures from the evening:

"the world is a vampire"

she was so loved.

she had so much worth.

but she didn't feel anymore.

she couldn't feel...

it was her choice.

we all make choices.

sometimes we don't think about them.

sometimes we think about them too much.

she couldn't think for herself anymore.

too tired.

too ruined.

she only heard one voice.

not her own.

not His.

but one who wishes to rob us of our choice.

he won last night.

she chose not to fight anymore.

a battle was lost.

movie madness rented boxed sets are $5!

peter and i have traded off this awful cold for the last month. as a result we have stayed in and watched a lot of tv. when i say tv, i mean we rent boxed sets of televisions shows. (and i am not gonna lie, we have done it a lot more then this past month.) so hear is my input:

six feet under: best television show of all time! the writing accomplishes so much more then entertaining you for the allotted time given to the show. it penetrates your daily conversations and you will bring the message with you throughout your work week. i know this sounds a bit dramatic... but i haven't met one person that doesn't agree. the premise is a family who owns and operates a funeral home and how they deal with death on many different levels. it is a hbo show it plays on hbo for a reason.

sopranos: if you know me you know i am OBSESSED with anything to do with the mafia. so of course i loved everything about this show. great acting as well, james ganolfini may be my hero. and it deals with the twisted government vs. some folks that run the neighborhood as they think it should be run. which is worse: bad cops or gangsters? hbo as well.

entourage: this is just more then silly mindless television with a big budget, but so very very entertaining. sad thing is, i don't think this is far from the truth for most of hollywood. yep- hbo.

heroes: this was at peter's request. i have never wanted to watch this. and i could give or take it it after watching most of the first season. not a big fan.

my next adventure: mad men or carnival.

any other suggestions are welcome

window gazing

drops weigh the branch into a doe-si-do

and i sigh with the knowledge of my ignorance

too many days have been set with my stagnation

i know i need to...

say something...

anything.

but no words will be thought aloud without the Source.

and that is where i fall short.

how do i expect to speak while being so far removed from the Voice.

i do it to myself.

i hoard the silence instead of sharing the room with Him.

how does someone so lowly forget my place time and time again?

as if my priorities are of more value then the lost souls needing redirection...

ah ha

it is me who needs that redirection.

who will find me and point me too the Way?

someone who has chosen to share the room with Him.

they have spent time with the Source and listened to the Voice.

she found me again and i asked for the Way.

off i go...

wish list