i love lamp

i love brie.

i love beer more after i worked 10 hours.

i love porches. the kind that face the west.

i love portland because the people here are more like me then people in california.

thats not a better thing. there is just less explaining to do.

i love peter. i more then love peter. what's a word that means more then love?

i love the feeling of my jeans getting loser. but i do not love the effects on my outfit. saggy sally is never cute.

i love having more questions then i do answers. what kind of life would a questionless life be anyhow?

i love cream cheese paired with most everything edible.

i love to hate ryan adams.

i love to my job as a nanny. children are so grounding and honest.

i love, even more so, to hand back the child to their parents at the end of the day.

i love beans. all kinds. pinto. black. garbanzo. black eyed (peas). refried.

i love my couch.

i love to share my couch with friends.

i love heels. i love the way they make me feel.

i love being responsible to something. someone. right now it's called school.

i love buying the expensive groceries. you know, the ones that say they are organic, family-farmed, the ones that you can pronounce the ingredients.

i love when i lay in bed and i can roll over and put my head on peter's chest and hear is heart beat.

i love the slippers that grandma lois made me.

i love my brother frankie, my sister katie, my other brother mark, and my other sister emily.

(i take pride in my family.)

i love big sur.

although there seems to be more uncertain circumstances then the ones that i can rely on. these are the things i know at the moment.

can you smell it?

fall is in the air and i cannot wait!
fall is by far my favorite season.
there is something about the month of october...
the harvest season brings the smell of the burning fields.
all the crops have been harvested and found homes in our bellies.
oh the uncontrollable woo of smell...
the looming smell is an automatic flashback of my elementary years.
just when i begin to lose hope of remembering the mindless wandering of my wee years...

i smell it...

i smell the last week in october.

when i was maybe 5 or 6 years old...
and every year after that until i was about 10.
that smell would mean halloween!

the most beautiful time of the year.
i would dream about my costume for about two months before i actually got it.
and once i got it...
i would stare at it it's package...*
every day after school, i would pull it out of my closet, lay it on my bed and imagined...
imagined the day i could wear it to school...
imagine the night i would wear it prancing from door to door and collecting my treasures.
treasure that was far greater then any pirate's booty.
but imagine is all!
never, never, never would i dare try it on.
god forbid, i snag the tulle or lace! (i was most always a ballerina or flapper)
or worse...
my sister (clumsiest of all) would come and hug me with cheeto stained fingers!

then the day would come...
i would always get up early, and most times hardly slept the night before.
it was time!
i would slowly pull that package out of my closet,
place it on my bed,
unsnap it,
and pull out each piece slowly.
dressing my self with a slow perfection that i relished in.
that which was all frilly and pink...
i would walk down the hall and tell my mom i was ready.

and for that short moment (there was very few of these, as i am one of five kids!) she would drop what she was doing and follow me to the bathroom...
and lift me on to the bathroom counter and begin to apply the mask of what i thought being a woman was all about...
lipstick, blush, and mascara...
and for those five minutes i would feel all tingly with so much attention.
just me and her.
i tried hard not to giggle with excitement-for that may mess up the application of mascara!
i would ever so slowly turn around, and look at myself...
and i would smile a slight smile...
just slight.
i didn't want to share my intense expectations for only the best day of the whole year!
today was the day.
today was the day.

so you see...every year fall comes, and every year that smell that will take me back to the time is of simplicity. such grandiose imagination. i sometimes fear the loss of my own imagination. and all i have to do is smell that smell.




*my mom was not one of those mom's that sewed and even though we were poor, this is one thing she would buy us every year. one of those pre-packaged costumes that hang on a rack and we would buy it at jcpenny's. i loved it just the same. i knew no different. for all i knew, it was just as well thought out as a homemade costume!

dear june,

you have been a month full of love and loss.
i have been to two incredibly fun weddings.
(that would be the love)
school has ended. creating a new sort of anxiety in me.
and of course the beloved michael jackson.
(ahem, the loss)

sean zap just moved up here. and we just met some awesome long beach friends that joined team portland as well; kyle and elizabeth palmer.
however, my dear friend ashley powell is leaving on saturday to travel to england! i could not be happier for her, as she has wanted this for sooooo long. yet, i am umcomfortably nauseous at the thought that she will no longer be sitting with me on my porch drinking a glass of wine and sharing great meals.

for one of the weddings, the felsenthal's, we traveled down to redding. it was some of the best 48 hours i have spent in a long time. it was a completely worry free trip that came complete with some of our very best friends and favorite spots. i literally walked out of my last final, walked to the parking lot, and hit the road. it was one of the most freeing drives. thus the celabratory weekend sponsored by the jensen's! and although the trip was amazing in every way, it was a solification of the decision we made to move up north. redding (the city) is no longer something i miss, but cherish it. it was a time in my life that has ended, and ended for a reason. i can longer go back and have what i did have for those 6 years i lived there. ahh the love and the loss...

the last two weeks of fancy free evenings has been full of summer salads, BBQ's, and many a good desert fruit; loads of watermelon, and there may have been some chocolate dipped strawberries... i have mentioned before that being born and raised in california has led to me to expect an endless season of fruits and veggies (more or less). not the case in oregon. however... when strawberries are in season, OOHHH MAN, strawberries are in season. this last week i made bbq'd corn on the cob with a chile and lime butter, veggie burgers with a green onion and feta spread, and baby red potatoes with rosemary. yum yum in my tum tum. most grocery stored up here have just as much organic and local as they do from anywhere else. therefore it is not nearly as expensive! and farmers markets galore! there is literally 3 within a 10 block radius. cooking again has brought my sanity back!

meanwhile, having no homework or looming papers to write...work has become quite unbearable at times. i used to get pretty antsy around the 9th hour of the day ( i work four 10's a week, a schedule that i think all of america would benefit from) because i would start thinking about getting to class in time to take my quiz. now, i start checking the clock every 30 minutes starting at the 6th hour! somehow without class in the evenings, i find my day quite a bit more...meaningless?? i don't think thats the word i am looking for, but i guess i attribute my sky high stress levels to a level of normalacy after awhile. and now i am just bored again...? not quite sure whats going on. but i know i just want to be a nurse!!! just another 3-4 more years of bitching you guys will have to listen to i suppose!

i love you all. have a great rest of june, and i must pull my white chocolate crossiants out of the oven!

off the reservation

so i'm back in the game.
well, thats my hope anyways.
10 weeks of school down, one week of finals left.
i tried to prepare myself for becoming a student once again.
try i might...
it was just as gut-wrenching as i thought.
you would be amazed how quickly one must adjust to four hours of sleep each night.
you see, i have never been a good student.
NEVER!!!
you wanna know a secret...
i skated through the first time.
got b's in my psych classes cause i had to.
and all other classes tended to be around the c...more like d range.
i have never cared about grades.
and at the same time, this is not a reflection of my ability to learn.
i enjoy school very much actually.
i love lectures.
i love reading my textbooks.
i even end up researching some topics on my own time.
most all i enjoy getting to know my professors.
and i have been lucky enough for them to care to talk to me and encourage me in my search for answers.
but those damn gpa's.
they mean the world don't they...
escpecially when trying to get into nursing school!
bleh!
so out of necessity, i have become a crazy lady who really does spend around 18 hours a week (taking 9 units) outside of the 10 hours of lecture, studying.
the tragedy...i still don't know if i will get those a's that i want.
man o man. wouldn't straight a's be nice!
i havent got that since i was in the fourth grade.
(i actually think it was straight e's, for excellent!)
i have been experincing extreme anxiety before and even after exams.
like to a point where i sit in the bathroom for awhile because i think i might pewk!
and i am for sure developing ulcers by the day.
i hate that feeling.
i hate that i know i am an intelligent person and will make a great nurse.
yet if i don't get those grades.
i may not be allowed to be a nurse.
anyways...
not to be a debbie downer.
i am confident enough to know that if i dont make the cut i can move on and choose a different career path.
i just want it so badly!

excuses

not that you care, but this will be my excuse for the next 3-4 years...

i am a student.

this weeks happenings:

monday: wake up at 6, go to work for 10 hours, go to biology lecture for 4 hours and meet up with friends to relax with a beer, home at 11.

tuesday: work, school for textbooks and library use. friend- sean comes to town with some new friends. this doesn't happen often- so i choose to hang out and meet up with him. play some shuffle board, have some beers. and in bed by 11.

wednesday: wake up at 3 am to take peter to work and start my homework at his starbucks. go to work at 8, get done at 5:30, sit in traffic for 30 minutes on my way to class. start biology lab for 4 hours. go across town to pick up peter and say hi to sean and gang. in bed by midnight.

thursday: work 10 hours, sit in traffic, come home and take a shower for the first time in 3 days. gross-i know. enjoy a night with sean + friends at ron tom's. bed at 2.

friday: wake up at 7, class at 9. four hour lecture on lifespan development.

and finally... breathe!

i know full well that i could of chose to go home much earlier each night. but when friends are in town. all rules are ignored. which tends to mean we spend way to much money, way less sleep and have the time of our lives.

this school thing will be much more challenging now going back as an adult who cannot survive on working less then 40 hours a week while retaining those a's that will boost my chances of getting into the nursing program. but...it will all be okay. and if nothing else, a way to refer those college loans, eh? just kidding....or am i?

cooking is not for the faint of heart

sorry. another blog about cooking.

but it is my hobby...

and this is my blog...

i attempted to make home made ravioli tonight. spinach, proscuitto, and ricotta ravioli to be exact. i enjoyed the process more then the actual eating part. which is usually how it goes... an hour and a half of work and 10 minutes of eating. i don't think peter much cared for it, but i he did it out of love!

here are some pictures from the evening:

"the world is a vampire"

she was so loved.

she had so much worth.

but she didn't feel anymore.

she couldn't feel...

it was her choice.

we all make choices.

sometimes we don't think about them.

sometimes we think about them too much.

she couldn't think for herself anymore.

too tired.

too ruined.

she only heard one voice.

not her own.

not His.

but one who wishes to rob us of our choice.

he won last night.

she chose not to fight anymore.

a battle was lost.