can you smell it?

fall is in the air and i cannot wait!
fall is by far my favorite season.
there is something about the month of october...
the harvest season brings the smell of the burning fields.
all the crops have been harvested and found homes in our bellies.
oh the uncontrollable woo of smell...
the looming smell is an automatic flashback of my elementary years.
just when i begin to lose hope of remembering the mindless wandering of my wee years...

i smell it...

i smell the last week in october.

when i was maybe 5 or 6 years old...
and every year after that until i was about 10.
that smell would mean halloween!

the most beautiful time of the year.
i would dream about my costume for about two months before i actually got it.
and once i got it...
i would stare at it it's package...*
every day after school, i would pull it out of my closet, lay it on my bed and imagined...
imagined the day i could wear it to school...
imagine the night i would wear it prancing from door to door and collecting my treasures.
treasure that was far greater then any pirate's booty.
but imagine is all!
never, never, never would i dare try it on.
god forbid, i snag the tulle or lace! (i was most always a ballerina or flapper)
or worse...
my sister (clumsiest of all) would come and hug me with cheeto stained fingers!

then the day would come...
i would always get up early, and most times hardly slept the night before.
it was time!
i would slowly pull that package out of my closet,
place it on my bed,
unsnap it,
and pull out each piece slowly.
dressing my self with a slow perfection that i relished in.
that which was all frilly and pink...
i would walk down the hall and tell my mom i was ready.

and for that short moment (there was very few of these, as i am one of five kids!) she would drop what she was doing and follow me to the bathroom...
and lift me on to the bathroom counter and begin to apply the mask of what i thought being a woman was all about...
lipstick, blush, and mascara...
and for those five minutes i would feel all tingly with so much attention.
just me and her.
i tried hard not to giggle with excitement-for that may mess up the application of mascara!
i would ever so slowly turn around, and look at myself...
and i would smile a slight smile...
just slight.
i didn't want to share my intense expectations for only the best day of the whole year!
today was the day.
today was the day.

so you see...every year fall comes, and every year that smell that will take me back to the time is of simplicity. such grandiose imagination. i sometimes fear the loss of my own imagination. and all i have to do is smell that smell.




*my mom was not one of those mom's that sewed and even though we were poor, this is one thing she would buy us every year. one of those pre-packaged costumes that hang on a rack and we would buy it at jcpenny's. i loved it just the same. i knew no different. for all i knew, it was just as well thought out as a homemade costume!

dear june,

you have been a month full of love and loss.
i have been to two incredibly fun weddings.
(that would be the love)
school has ended. creating a new sort of anxiety in me.
and of course the beloved michael jackson.
(ahem, the loss)

sean zap just moved up here. and we just met some awesome long beach friends that joined team portland as well; kyle and elizabeth palmer.
however, my dear friend ashley powell is leaving on saturday to travel to england! i could not be happier for her, as she has wanted this for sooooo long. yet, i am umcomfortably nauseous at the thought that she will no longer be sitting with me on my porch drinking a glass of wine and sharing great meals.

for one of the weddings, the felsenthal's, we traveled down to redding. it was some of the best 48 hours i have spent in a long time. it was a completely worry free trip that came complete with some of our very best friends and favorite spots. i literally walked out of my last final, walked to the parking lot, and hit the road. it was one of the most freeing drives. thus the celabratory weekend sponsored by the jensen's! and although the trip was amazing in every way, it was a solification of the decision we made to move up north. redding (the city) is no longer something i miss, but cherish it. it was a time in my life that has ended, and ended for a reason. i can longer go back and have what i did have for those 6 years i lived there. ahh the love and the loss...

the last two weeks of fancy free evenings has been full of summer salads, BBQ's, and many a good desert fruit; loads of watermelon, and there may have been some chocolate dipped strawberries... i have mentioned before that being born and raised in california has led to me to expect an endless season of fruits and veggies (more or less). not the case in oregon. however... when strawberries are in season, OOHHH MAN, strawberries are in season. this last week i made bbq'd corn on the cob with a chile and lime butter, veggie burgers with a green onion and feta spread, and baby red potatoes with rosemary. yum yum in my tum tum. most grocery stored up here have just as much organic and local as they do from anywhere else. therefore it is not nearly as expensive! and farmers markets galore! there is literally 3 within a 10 block radius. cooking again has brought my sanity back!

meanwhile, having no homework or looming papers to write...work has become quite unbearable at times. i used to get pretty antsy around the 9th hour of the day ( i work four 10's a week, a schedule that i think all of america would benefit from) because i would start thinking about getting to class in time to take my quiz. now, i start checking the clock every 30 minutes starting at the 6th hour! somehow without class in the evenings, i find my day quite a bit more...meaningless?? i don't think thats the word i am looking for, but i guess i attribute my sky high stress levels to a level of normalacy after awhile. and now i am just bored again...? not quite sure whats going on. but i know i just want to be a nurse!!! just another 3-4 more years of bitching you guys will have to listen to i suppose!

i love you all. have a great rest of june, and i must pull my white chocolate crossiants out of the oven!

off the reservation

so i'm back in the game.
well, thats my hope anyways.
10 weeks of school down, one week of finals left.
i tried to prepare myself for becoming a student once again.
try i might...
it was just as gut-wrenching as i thought.
you would be amazed how quickly one must adjust to four hours of sleep each night.
you see, i have never been a good student.
NEVER!!!
you wanna know a secret...
i skated through the first time.
got b's in my psych classes cause i had to.
and all other classes tended to be around the c...more like d range.
i have never cared about grades.
and at the same time, this is not a reflection of my ability to learn.
i enjoy school very much actually.
i love lectures.
i love reading my textbooks.
i even end up researching some topics on my own time.
most all i enjoy getting to know my professors.
and i have been lucky enough for them to care to talk to me and encourage me in my search for answers.
but those damn gpa's.
they mean the world don't they...
escpecially when trying to get into nursing school!
bleh!
so out of necessity, i have become a crazy lady who really does spend around 18 hours a week (taking 9 units) outside of the 10 hours of lecture, studying.
the tragedy...i still don't know if i will get those a's that i want.
man o man. wouldn't straight a's be nice!
i havent got that since i was in the fourth grade.
(i actually think it was straight e's, for excellent!)
i have been experincing extreme anxiety before and even after exams.
like to a point where i sit in the bathroom for awhile because i think i might pewk!
and i am for sure developing ulcers by the day.
i hate that feeling.
i hate that i know i am an intelligent person and will make a great nurse.
yet if i don't get those grades.
i may not be allowed to be a nurse.
anyways...
not to be a debbie downer.
i am confident enough to know that if i dont make the cut i can move on and choose a different career path.
i just want it so badly!

excuses

not that you care, but this will be my excuse for the next 3-4 years...

i am a student.

this weeks happenings:

monday: wake up at 6, go to work for 10 hours, go to biology lecture for 4 hours and meet up with friends to relax with a beer, home at 11.

tuesday: work, school for textbooks and library use. friend- sean comes to town with some new friends. this doesn't happen often- so i choose to hang out and meet up with him. play some shuffle board, have some beers. and in bed by 11.

wednesday: wake up at 3 am to take peter to work and start my homework at his starbucks. go to work at 8, get done at 5:30, sit in traffic for 30 minutes on my way to class. start biology lab for 4 hours. go across town to pick up peter and say hi to sean and gang. in bed by midnight.

thursday: work 10 hours, sit in traffic, come home and take a shower for the first time in 3 days. gross-i know. enjoy a night with sean + friends at ron tom's. bed at 2.

friday: wake up at 7, class at 9. four hour lecture on lifespan development.

and finally... breathe!

i know full well that i could of chose to go home much earlier each night. but when friends are in town. all rules are ignored. which tends to mean we spend way to much money, way less sleep and have the time of our lives.

this school thing will be much more challenging now going back as an adult who cannot survive on working less then 40 hours a week while retaining those a's that will boost my chances of getting into the nursing program. but...it will all be okay. and if nothing else, a way to refer those college loans, eh? just kidding....or am i?

cooking is not for the faint of heart

sorry. another blog about cooking.

but it is my hobby...

and this is my blog...

i attempted to make home made ravioli tonight. spinach, proscuitto, and ricotta ravioli to be exact. i enjoyed the process more then the actual eating part. which is usually how it goes... an hour and a half of work and 10 minutes of eating. i don't think peter much cared for it, but i he did it out of love!

here are some pictures from the evening:

"the world is a vampire"

she was so loved.

she had so much worth.

but she didn't feel anymore.

she couldn't feel...

it was her choice.

we all make choices.

sometimes we don't think about them.

sometimes we think about them too much.

she couldn't think for herself anymore.

too tired.

too ruined.

she only heard one voice.

not her own.

not His.

but one who wishes to rob us of our choice.

he won last night.

she chose not to fight anymore.

a battle was lost.

movie madness rented boxed sets are $5!

peter and i have traded off this awful cold for the last month. as a result we have stayed in and watched a lot of tv. when i say tv, i mean we rent boxed sets of televisions shows. (and i am not gonna lie, we have done it a lot more then this past month.) so hear is my input:

six feet under: best television show of all time! the writing accomplishes so much more then entertaining you for the allotted time given to the show. it penetrates your daily conversations and you will bring the message with you throughout your work week. i know this sounds a bit dramatic... but i haven't met one person that doesn't agree. the premise is a family who owns and operates a funeral home and how they deal with death on many different levels. it is a hbo show it plays on hbo for a reason.

sopranos: if you know me you know i am OBSESSED with anything to do with the mafia. so of course i loved everything about this show. great acting as well, james ganolfini may be my hero. and it deals with the twisted government vs. some folks that run the neighborhood as they think it should be run. which is worse: bad cops or gangsters? hbo as well.

entourage: this is just more then silly mindless television with a big budget, but so very very entertaining. sad thing is, i don't think this is far from the truth for most of hollywood. yep- hbo.

heroes: this was at peter's request. i have never wanted to watch this. and i could give or take it it after watching most of the first season. not a big fan.

my next adventure: mad men or carnival.

any other suggestions are welcome

window gazing

drops weigh the branch into a doe-si-do

and i sigh with the knowledge of my ignorance

too many days have been set with my stagnation

i know i need to...

say something...

anything.

but no words will be thought aloud without the Source.

and that is where i fall short.

how do i expect to speak while being so far removed from the Voice.

i do it to myself.

i hoard the silence instead of sharing the room with Him.

how does someone so lowly forget my place time and time again?

as if my priorities are of more value then the lost souls needing redirection...

ah ha

it is me who needs that redirection.

who will find me and point me too the Way?

someone who has chosen to share the room with Him.

they have spent time with the Source and listened to the Voice.

she found me again and i asked for the Way.

off i go...

wish list

life is full

full of greatness, full of activity, but too full for relaxation.

i am on day 9 of working 13 days in a row, so i apologize ahead of time for this attempt at blogging.

peter and i had our first 2 days off together last weekend.

it was about 9 o'clock on a friday night.

i had received a few texts earlier that day from redding friends and voiced my love and how much i missed everyone.

and just like that we were on our way (through the night) to see everyone.

we arrived at wes's at 5 in the morning, slept for a few hours and woke up with the help of sue's java. delightful.

everyone was just where they were supposed to be on a saturday morning in redding and we had a grand ole circle going on outside of sues.

the weekend was perfect.

no preconcived expectations.

just perfect.

i am sure it would of been smarter to stay in portland and rest.

we didn't have the money to spend. (ohh the credit card)

but i am not sure the next time peter and i will have 2 days off together again?

and as i always say...

life is too short to be 'safe' with money.

my downfall?

probably.

10 things i want to do before i am 30

i consider myself ambitious, but in no way do i hold myself to ridiculous standards. so here are a few things that i would love to do within the next 6 years, and will try my hardest to make it happen. sometimes i get so scared and panicky about life being so short, so if i give myself somewhat of a timeline, it helps me unpack all my dreams...

1. get a full sleeve.

2. have a career. already got one degree down and not using it... hopefully this next one will be put to use...

3. take a road trip around the country. i feel the need to see whats here near me before going overseas any more then i already have. besides, once i am a nurse (see #2) then we can afford europe. at least, i hope.

4. see radiohead, tom petty, sigor ros, and michael jackson live. obviously not at the same time. but that would be a hilarious crowd of fans.

5. have a full bedroom set. you know, like a real adult. i want a low profile bed, with a night-stand, a dresser, maybe an armoire, and a vanity. ohhh, how i want i real vanity. there is something so feminine about a vanity.

6. go whale watching again. hopefully off the coast in seattle. i have heard you can see the orkas migrate. so far i have just seen humpback whales in hawaii.

7. have a family reunion of some sort. i would love to be able to see all my relatives and family together in texas. as well as a separate black family reunion. there are so many stories to be heard and shared. 

8. love, love, love, and love even more. i feel like we have been known as a very hospitable and welcoming team. we have housed many a friend. sometimes just for a weekend, and sometimes for a few months. it is what we do. and i love helping out by loaning out what little we have.

9. be a member of a church.

10. go on a backpacking trip. yes peter, you are reading this correctly. we all know i am a wuss, but who has time to be a sissy.

this is my life...

i just wanted to share with you all how much cuteness i have in my job...

it is exhausting. yet more rewarding then most jobs i have had.

and just when i am about to snap, he does something so spontaneously cute i just can't handle it.

he is my pride and joy and i gladly bring him to coffee dates and picnics in the park.

weird little girl...

ok, what i am about to say may make me sound like a lunatic, but i have to explain these interactions that keep repeating themselves. and at the end of it, i would love if someone would tell me that i am not crazy, and that someone else knows what i am talking about.

there is a certain type of parent(s) that are in charge of this certain type of child, usually a girl, who drive me up the wall.

these parents are usually older, seemingly older to have a child this young.

the child is usually around 8 to 12.

but speaks far more eloquently then one would expect.

'implying' the greater intelligence of this certain child.

usually the child is participating in some unruly action; climbing on merchandise in a shopping center, sitting in a grocery cart and noisily banging, trying to run but still holding their mothers hand creating their parent to follow them around... or even sitting in the middle of the aisle or store so everyone has to walk around them....

and these parents let their 'intelligent' children speak however and whenever - no matter how awkward the conversation is getting.

and this may be totally out of line...

but because these children have said rude and inappropriate things to me i will speak my mind...

i feel that these parents feel that they are so lucky to have a chance at parenting... and even more lucky to have such a gifted child (damn those gate kids) that they think...

 'oh how cute, my child is so curiously brave to talk to a stranger this way- nice going for thinking outside the box, honey! yes, its fine to cross this strangers social boundaries, after all they set them there, don't conform to their norms'

well i have news for you "oh so lucky parents"...

your kid is weird and will always be weird and just because they know about space time continuums does not mean that they can talk to me.

your kid is not cute and is usually dressed funny with uncombed hair and it does not look 'creative' it looks WIERD! 

addicted to...

jadiohead: a mash up of jay z and radiohead!
(i think thats how you spell it).
a big thank you to 'the brothers'.
i have had it playing in my car for 2 weeks now.
christian; if your not already- you should listen to it. it made me think of you.
and amy if you like the new kanye you will like this.

sub question: how come very time you see jay z pictured he is in a yacht?

california is missed for more reasons then one

dear garlic; gilroy has you all beat. i have noticed that when buying garlic up here it is not nearly as fresh. it usually has those green things growing out of it already. boo. and all produce for that matter is also not as fresh or abundant. we live next to safeway and so thats where we do a majority of our shopping and no matter what dish i am making there is usually one of the fresh ingredents missing? who ever thought that safeway would have a few days that they don't have cilantro... or a red onion. and then it hit me! i have grown up in an agricultural phenomenon my whole life. i could get whatever, whenever i needed it. (food maxx is the exception). 

tis time

a new year has begun with a renewed motivation. i started a new job this last week and boy is it exhausting. my exhaustion is more of a sigh of relief, then anything else. i have been waiting to start this job for the last 2 months and its finally here. i am taking care of a 6 month old, monday through thursday, 10 hours a day (give or take). and on fridays and saturdays i decided to keep my boutique job. so i apologize if i start talking too much about that special someone in my life... the baby of course.

we spend our days walking around the most extreme hills, going to book babies, and having coffee dates. he's basically my boyfriend. and pretty damn cute to boot. it is pretty crazy to think that i am starting before he knows how to sit up, and by this time he will be running around and talking! it's only been 2 weeks and already i am finding myself thinking about him on my days off. but i guess thats what its like with any job...

i am loving having a more reliable financial situation and it's so nice to have that hope that we will now be able to get the things we have been holding out for, a dining room table, oregon license and registration, and school costs. and i will never EVER underestimate the ability to pay bills on time. it is so nice to pay what you need to by the deadline. since we moved here, we have had a hell of a time making it all add up. at the same time am i crazy when i say that there is something to financial burden? anyways thats another blog in itself...

we had a great new years week in cali visiting the agudo's and the blacks. it included many a mexican meal, horseback riding in which my sister got bucked off...don't worry she's ok, so you can laugh... and a relaxing time in the beautiful sierras with db deluxe!

all in all i will have a busy year between the 2 jobs and starting night/weekend school. but i have nothing but one life to live and i am doing all i can too live it. on my list to do next before i am 30 i need to get a full sleeve... lots of ideas but no funds. hopefully a year from now i will be posting some pics with some proof to show i am on my way to that goal...