beach weekend

birthday weekend.

lincoln city, thanks to stranny.

great beach house.

great people.

and gourmet meals.

i was sick, but i heard the ocean has healing powers.

almost true.

sleeping to the sound of the waves was more then soothing.

the colors of fall were magnified against the grey wash of the beach.

and catching up on some a great book (courtesy of pow pow),

with a glass of wine was amazing times 10!

thanks to all who made it possible;

nich, lindsay, joey, ashley, and my lover.

yep, more of this

so i took josh pool's advice and watched the forum at saddleback church.

i think it made the decision tougher.

it went something like this...

obama went first.

i like 75% of what he had to say and could personally identify with his desires.

i loved that he wanted not so much to develop systems to deal with our problems, but to find out what these problems are caused by and fix them before they become a problem.

yes it is idealistic, but i liked it.

i decided that he wanted the changes that i find most important, the 'greater good' if you will.

yes his abortion plan is skeptical and i don't like it.

but outlawing abortion doesn't solve any problems. and in fact can cause even more unwanted children in this world.

i am going to go ahead and say that taxing the more wealthy is not ideal, but if your going to raise taxes-they are the ones that can afford it.

as for national health-care. well, your talking to a gal who has racked up a few grand in hospital bills over the last 2 years. if i don't have money for insurance, how am i going to have money to pay those bills. what do you think i am going to say...

but he is right, we need to find out the source of the problem, and then implement the systems that will help people.

i like that obama stands for change.

i don't agree with everything. but agree with his motives.

so i decided i would vote for him.

i wasn't convinced, but I WILL VOTE and exercise my right.

and then mccain came on.

and he was a lot more absolute. i respect the hell out of someone who is will give some straight yes's and no's. (which might of been one of the only nights that he was that clear).

he has so much experience and has been through hell and back.

he does want to give me money for insurance.

and he cares deeply for america and our safety...so much in fact, that he will do whatever it takes to gain our pride back.

this is where i take 3 steps back.

i am not for war.

at all.

not to mention, our country has enough of our own problems. and this point brings me back to obama.

he is all for pinpointing OUR issues before marching overseas and fixing everyone elses.

i happen to think that is fairly biblical.

and at the same time, so is helping those in need...

so here i am back in square one.

i am telling you.

ron paul 08!

now i took the chance and layed out my true thoughts and feelings. so feel free to do the same. feel free to rip me apart and tear me down. it's fair game if i post it on a blog, right...

love is a choice, and i choose it

love comes out of a confidence of ones one self worth.

you have to know yourself well enough to know.

to know that the feeling you are experiencing is nothing else you have ever felt before.

you can't quite put your finger on it.

but it's making you forget your responsibilities.

your pains.

your plans.

your cravings are not for your own pleasure.

but for someone more important.

you no longer are the center of your world.

and instead, you serve someone who is much more worthy.

to think that we love because He first loved us.

i owe Him everything.

a successful love is one that rests in that fact.

i say it over and over.

we love because He first loved us.

we love because He first loved us.

i can love because i was loved first.

i love peter because i was know how to be loved.

and the only way this love functions;

this love that i cannot contain;

is if i believe with all my heart that he loves me back.

that same black hole of appreciation and gratitude i have for my Savior;

i only have that because he loved me first.

and i believe that.

i really do believe i am worthy.

and that is the secret my friends.

believe it.

know it.

know you are worthy.

you are worthy.

so worthy.

to love,

to be in love,

it is only possible if you believe that someone loves you back.

and if you choose a different, an alternate path of love;

you are looking at the face of doom.

because we only love because he first loved us.

boo yeah

we had a spontaneous dinner party with some friends and family this past saturday night. it turned out amazing! peter made his curry and garlic tofu. there was wining and dining and what turned out to be a dance party in the kitchen, listening to some soul while washing dishes. i don't know if you have ever danced and done the dishes with some friends but i highly recommend it! shannon (a friend from work is is rapidly becoming the best gal ever) and i WANTED more dishes to clean. thats how fun it was. we had a gang of about 20 come over. just like the ole redding days.

i decided that those of you who blog seem to me much closer then you actually are. and if that is confusing to you...compare it to a converstion of sorts. like all you so cal folks...haven't talked to you in months, haven't seen you in even longer, yet because of blogging...i feel i know whats going on in your life...

i jumped on the band wagon and am reading blue like jazz by don miller. IT IS AS GOOD AS EVERYONE SAYS IT IS. the first few chapters i went into it like i was going to hate it. (but then again i do that with all modern christian literature). there are such simple points that stand out with a conviction that rings genuinly passionate. i will share with you something that i have mulled over...

" my most recent faith struggle is not one of intellect. i dont really do that anymore. sooner or later you just figure our there are some guys who don't believe in God and they can prove he doesn't exisit, and some other guys who do believe in God and the can prove He does exist, and the argument stopped being about God along time ago and now it's about who is smarter, and honestly i don't care. i don't beleive i will walk away from Him, and please pray that i never do, i will walk away for social reasons, identity reasons, deep emotional reasons, the same reasons that any of us do anything...

the thing i have to work on in myself is belief...

but the trouble with deep belief is that it costs something. and there is something inside me, some selfish beast of a subtle thing that doesn't like truth at all because it carries responisbilty, and if i actually beleive these things i have to do something about them. it is so cumbersome to believe in anything. and it isn't cool...

...what i believe is NOT what i say i beleive; what i believe is what i do...

i used to say i believed it was important to tell people about Jesus, but i never did...if i don't introduce people to Jesus, then i don't believe Jesus is an important person."

these are just a few exerts from his chapter on belief. there are so many great points in this book that i would love to discuss with people.

10 signs of getting older

1. changing your email address: i had to re-do my resume this year and i was tired (ie. embarrassed) of the cutesy email address i have had since i was 14. 

2. no more forever 21: i can't do it anymore. i used to be able to frivolously spend 80 bucks and walk out w

ith tons of jewelry, tops, leggings, jeans, hand bags, sunglasses, i think they even had babies on sale once. i have whittled down my wardrobe to a some key pieces and i find i just want a few (more spendy) pieces each season.

3. i am offended by youth cussing up a storm in front of children: i will never forget when my mom scolded some teenagers for cussing in front of me when i was a wee tot. sooo embarrassed. and now...i find myself wanting to tell them to shut up. gosh, i AM getting old.

4. i get up earlier then i need to: i no longer sleep til the very last minute, roll out of bed, and drive to work. i crave the time in the mornings to listen to a few great tunes, read a tale or two, and consciously pack some healthy treats for work.

5. i like the dankso clogs and more and more i think about buying them. not cute AT ALL but i do work retail...is that an excuse?

6. eleven is my bed time: now this doesn't mean i do not enjoy going out and having a few beers, but i just enjoy doing it earlier in the day. i find at shows, my back hurts, my feet hurt, and i enjoy them just as much sitting in the back of the venue. (except for dr. dog of course)

7. i like gold, silver, and gems: and i what i mean by this is i enjoy real jewelry instead of the costumey jewelry. not that i can afford it, but i see how much more timeless it is. 

8. mid career crisis: see last post

9. i like buying and receiving house things: i get excited about a new gadget for the kitchen or new nick nack for the living room. i remember my mom telling me one day, i too would want plates for christmas instead of toys. i didn't believe it. 

10. wrinkles: i think i saw some this morning= no more sunning for me.

ugh, the love hate of being in your 20's

so i appreciate my youth, this oh so fleeting time that i am allowed to make selfish decisions. however i feel because our generation IS allowed to CHOOSE school or no school, career or starving artist, dreams or social obligation...it leaves us running around in circles.
yes OF COURSE i am thankful for the opportunity to CHOOSE.
but i am pretty sure i do not know one person my age who has FOUND 'IT'.
at the same time, that is one of the complications that make up our age demographic that has given me the chance to 'try out' many different 'suits' (if you will).
i have worn the retail 'suit' for almost 2 and half years.
and i am questioning it.
or am i questioning my motives for putting on that suit...
i would go far as to question my lack of motivation?
i now find myself reaching back for that expensive accomplishment called a degree.
i have officially done nothing with it since i graduated.
i knew full well that i was going to take a break from anything remotely academic for a few years.
its been a few years.
what shall it be next...
im leaning towards nursing school.
i just don't know if i have it in me AGAIN.
but what if i did something with one of my natural giftings?
like cooking...
not that i am terrific, but i could be...
what if i went to a cooking school?
and if i was going to pacific northwest would be perfect!
or what if i did something with event planning...
i know i like that.
i have done many an event in the last few years.
or what if i just played around and took some theology classes...

see what i mean about these circles?
the demon of choice is doing a number on this gal.

lost

watched the debate tonight.

still don't know who to vote for.

i am the only one who is still waiting to decide?

part of me thinks i won't make up my mind until that day.

and that part of me says once i vote...

i still won't know if i made the right decision.

and thats why i am voting for ron paul.

just kidding...maybe?

im a jerk

so for the last 6 years peter and i have been together peter usually ends up buying me a beautiful jacket of sorts for either my birthday (october 24) or for christmas. and since our move to portland i can finally use the rain as an excuse to get a rain trench that i wanted for years. this trench would join my lovely black pea coat, my houndstooth peacoat, and my winter white wool jacket that he has already graced me with. well, i found IT.

and it is at my store. which translates to... too expensive. but everyday i work i still slip it on and wear it. for those 30 seconds i imagine that i am the new owner of this glorious coat! it has all aspects of a trench that i want.  a removable hood. a synched waist. made out of water resistant fibers. deep pockets. and of course a one of a kind design.

well today was payday and i waltz in the store, pickup my check and glance at wear the jacket should have been...alas, someone had found my secret treasure! i couldn't help but be a little sad, but all along i knew i could never afford such a piece. yes it was the dream jacket. but nothing was going to stop me from finding a replacement for that special trench. 

today was my day off so while doing laundry with peter i mentioned that i was going to deposit my check and continue on the search at buffalo and crossroads. maybe, just maybe i could pick up a once loved rain jacket that i could also love. 

me: hey i think im going to keep looking at the buy sell trades.

peter: this is your birthday month, maybe you should be patient and use your birthday money.

me: well, its just that its already raining... and, i wouldn't spend more then 40...

peter: just be patient...

me: you know that jackets are a big deal to me...

peter: gosh dangit, the reason why that jacket was gone is cause i bought it for you. i wanted it to be a surprise for once because you always pick out your own jackets... (cracking up) but you are just so damn persistent.

me: im such a jerk. i am so sorry. (cracking up) i am probably the most ambitious shopper i know. (reality sets in) I GOT THE JACKET!!!!

every year, it never fails. i ruin my own surprise.

thank you peter. you are more then i deserve. i will always love you.