The Goose is Loose

i love lamp

2010-02-05T13:03:00.001-08:00

i love brie.

i love beer more after i worked 10 hours.

i love porches. the kind that face the west.

i love portland because the people here are more like me then people in california.

thats not a better thing. there is just less explaining to do.

i love peter. i more then love peter. what's a word that means more then love?

i love the feeling of my jeans getting loser. but i do not love the effects on my outfit. saggy sally is never cute.

i love having more questions then i do answers. what kind of life would a questionless life be anyhow?

i love cream cheese paired with most everything edible.

i love to hate ryan adams.

i love to my job as a nanny. children are so grounding and honest.

i love, even more so, to hand back the child to their parents at the end of the day.

i love beans. all kinds. pinto. black. garbanzo. black eyed (peas). refried.

i love my couch.

i love to share my couch with friends.

i love heels. i love the way they make me feel.

i love being responsible to something. someone. right now it's called school.

i love buying the expensive groceries. you know, the ones that say they are organic, family-farmed, the ones that you can pronounce the ingredients.

i love when i lay in bed and i can roll over and put my head on peter's chest and hear is heart beat.

i love the slippers that grandma lois made me.

i love my brother frankie, my sister katie, my other brother mark, and my other sister emily.

(i take pride in my family.)

i love big sur.

although there seems to be more uncertain circumstances then the ones that i can rely on. these are the things i know at the moment.

can you smell it?

2009-09-15T18:56:00.001-07:00

fall is in the air and i cannot wait!
fall is by far my favorite season.
there is something about the month of october...
the harvest season brings the smell of the burning fields.
all the crops have been harvested and found homes in our bellies.
oh the uncontrollable woo of smell...
the looming smell is an automatic flashback of my elementary years.
just when i begin to lose hope of remembering the mindless wandering of my wee years...

i smell it...

i smell the last week in october.

when i was maybe 5 or 6 years old...
and every year after that until i was about 10.
that smell would mean halloween!

the most beautiful time of the year.
i would dream about my costume for about two months before i actually got it.
and once i got it...
i would stare at it it's package...*
every day after school, i would pull it out of my closet, lay it on my bed and imagined...
imagined the day i could wear it to school...
imagine the night i would wear it prancing from door to door and collecting my treasures.
treasure that was far greater then any pirate's booty.
but imagine is all!
never, never, never would i dare try it on.
god forbid, i snag the tulle or lace! (i was most always a ballerina or flapper)
or worse...
my sister (clumsiest of all) would come and hug me with cheeto stained fingers!

then the day would come...
i would always get up early, and most times hardly slept the night before.
it was time!
i would slowly pull that package out of my closet,
place it on my bed,
unsnap it,
and pull out each piece slowly.
dressing my self with a slow perfection that i relished in.
that which was all frilly and pink...
i would walk down the hall and tell my mom i was ready.

and for that short moment (there was very few of these, as i am one of five kids!) she would drop what she was doing and follow me to the bathroom...
and lift me on to the bathroom counter and begin to apply the mask of what i thought being a woman was all about...
lipstick, blush, and mascara...
and for those five minutes i would feel all tingly with so much attention.
just me and her.
i tried hard not to giggle with excitement-for that may mess up the application of mascara!
i would ever so slowly turn around, and look at myself...
and i would smile a slight smile...
just slight.
i didn't want to share my intense expectations for only the best day of the whole year!
today was the day.
today was the day.

so you see...every year fall comes, and every year that smell that will take me back to the time is of simplicity. such grandiose imagination. i sometimes fear the loss of my own imagination. and all i have to do is smell that smell.

*my mom was not one of those mom's that sewed and even though we were poor, this is one thing she would buy us every year. one of those pre-packaged costumes that hang on a rack and we would buy it at jcpenny's. i loved it just the same. i knew no different. for all i knew, it was just as well thought out as a homemade costume!

dear june,

2009-06-26T09:40:00.000-07:00

you have been a month full of love and loss.
i have been to two incredibly fun weddings.
(that would be the love)
school has ended. creating a new sort of anxiety in me.
and of course the beloved michael jackson.
(ahem, the loss)

sean zap just moved up here. and we just met some awesome long beach friends that joined team portland as well; kyle and elizabeth palmer.
however, my dear friend ashley powell is leaving on saturday to travel to england! i could not be happier for her, as she has wanted this for sooooo long. yet, i am umcomfortably nauseous at the thought that she will no longer be sitting with me on my porch drinking a glass of wine and sharing great meals.

for one of the weddings, the felsenthal's, we traveled down to redding. it was some of the best 48 hours i have spent in a long time. it was a completely worry free trip that came complete with some of our very best friends and favorite spots. i literally walked out of my last final, walked to the parking lot, and hit the road. it was one of the most freeing drives. thus the celabratory weekend sponsored by the jensen's! and although the trip was amazing in every way, it was a solification of the decision we made to move up north. redding (the city) is no longer something i miss, but cherish it. it was a time in my life that has ended, and ended for a reason. i can longer go back and have what i did have for those 6 years i lived there. ahh the love and the loss...

the last two weeks of fancy free evenings has been full of summer salads, BBQ's, and many a good desert fruit; loads of watermelon, and there may have been some chocolate dipped strawberries... i have mentioned before that being born and raised in california has led to me to expect an endless season of fruits and veggies (more or less). not the case in oregon. however... when strawberries are in season, OOHHH MAN, strawberries are in season. this last week i made bbq'd corn on the cob with a chile and lime butter, veggie burgers with a green onion and feta spread, and baby red potatoes with rosemary. yum yum in my tum tum. most grocery stored up here have just as much organic and local as they do from anywhere else. therefore it is not nearly as expensive! and farmers markets galore! there is literally 3 within a 10 block radius. cooking again has brought my sanity back!

meanwhile, having no homework or looming papers to write...work has become quite unbearable at times. i used to get pretty antsy around the 9th hour of the day ( i work four 10's a week, a schedule that i think all of america would benefit from) because i would start thinking about getting to class in time to take my quiz. now, i start checking the clock every 30 minutes starting at the 6th hour! somehow without class in the evenings, i find my day quite a bit more...meaningless?? i don't think thats the word i am looking for, but i guess i attribute my sky high stress levels to a level of normalacy after awhile. and now i am just bored again...? not quite sure whats going on. but i know i just want to be a nurse!!! just another 3-4 more years of bitching you guys will have to listen to i suppose!

i love you all. have a great rest of june, and i must pull my white chocolate crossiants out of the oven!

off the reservation

2009-06-05T21:25:00.001-07:00

so i'm back in the game.
well, thats my hope anyways.
10 weeks of school down, one week of finals left.
i tried to prepare myself for becoming a student once again.
try i might...
it was just as gut-wrenching as i thought.
you would be amazed how quickly one must adjust to four hours of sleep each night.
you see, i have never been a good student.
NEVER!!!
you wanna know a secret...
i skated through the first time.
got b's in my psych classes cause i had to.
and all other classes tended to be around the c...more like d range.
i have never cared about grades.
and at the same time, this is not a reflection of my ability to learn.
i enjoy school very much actually.
i love lectures.
i love reading my textbooks.
i even end up researching some topics on my own time.
most all i enjoy getting to know my professors.
and i have been lucky enough for them to care to talk to me and encourage me in my search for answers.
but those damn gpa's.
they mean the world don't they...
escpecially when trying to get into nursing school!
bleh!
so out of necessity, i have become a crazy lady who really does spend around 18 hours a week (taking 9 units) outside of the 10 hours of lecture, studying.
the tragedy...i still don't know if i will get those a's that i want.
man o man. wouldn't straight a's be nice!
i havent got that since i was in the fourth grade.
(i actually think it was straight e's, for excellent!)
i have been experincing extreme anxiety before and even after exams.
like to a point where i sit in the bathroom for awhile because i think i might pewk!
and i am for sure developing ulcers by the day.
i hate that feeling.
i hate that i know i am an intelligent person and will make a great nurse.
yet if i don't get those grades.
i may not be allowed to be a nurse.
anyways...
not to be a debbie downer.
i am confident enough to know that if i dont make the cut i can move on and choose a different career path.
i just want it so badly!

excuses

2009-04-05T12:38:00.000-07:00

not that you care, but this will be my excuse for the next 3-4 years...

i am a student.

this weeks happenings:

monday: wake up at 6, go to work for 10 hours, go to biology lecture for 4 hours and meet up with friends to relax with a beer, home at 11.

tuesday: work, school for textbooks and library use. friend- sean comes to town with some new friends. this doesn't happen often- so i choose to hang out and meet up with him. play some shuffle board, have some beers. and in bed by 11.

wednesday: wake up at 3 am to take peter to work and start my homework at his starbucks. go to work at 8, get done at 5:30, sit in traffic for 30 minutes on my way to class. start biology lab for 4 hours. go across town to pick up peter and say hi to sean and gang. in bed by midnight.

thursday: work 10 hours, sit in traffic, come home and take a shower for the first time in 3 days. gross-i know. enjoy a night with sean + friends at ron tom's. bed at 2.

friday: wake up at 7, class at 9. four hour lecture on lifespan development.

and finally... breathe!

i know full well that i could of chose to go home much earlier each night. but when friends are in town. all rules are ignored. which tends to mean we spend way to much money, way less sleep and have the time of our lives.

this school thing will be much more challenging now going back as an adult who cannot survive on working less then 40 hours a week while retaining those a's that will boost my chances of getting into the nursing program. but...it will all be okay. and if nothing else, a way to refer those college loans, eh? just kidding....or am i?

cooking is not for the faint of heart

2009-03-25T20:26:00.000-07:00

sorry. another blog about cooking.

but it is my hobby...

and this is my blog...

i attempted to make home made ravioli tonight. spinach, proscuitto, and ricotta ravioli to be exact. i enjoyed the process more then the actual eating part. which is usually how it goes... an hour and a half of work and 10 minutes of eating. i don't think peter much cared for it, but i he did it out of love!

here are some pictures from the evening:

"the world is a vampire"

2009-03-21T14:31:00.000-07:00

she was so loved.

she had so much worth.

but she didn't feel anymore.

she couldn't feel...

it was her choice.

we all make choices.

sometimes we don't think about them.

sometimes we think about them too much.

she couldn't think for herself anymore.

too tired.

too ruined.

she only heard one voice.

not her own.

not His.

but one who wishes to rob us of our choice.

he won last night.

she chose not to fight anymore.

a battle was lost.

movie madness rented boxed sets are $5!

2009-03-20T09:20:00.000-07:00

peter and i have traded off this awful cold for the last month. as a result we have stayed in and watched a lot of tv. when i say tv, i mean we rent boxed sets of televisions shows. (and i am not gonna lie, we have done it a lot more then this past month.) so hear is my input:

six feet under: best television show of all time! the writing accomplishes so much more then entertaining you for the allotted time given to the show. it penetrates your daily conversations and you will bring the message with you throughout your work week. i know this sounds a bit dramatic... but i haven't met one person that doesn't agree. the premise is a family who owns and operates a funeral home and how they deal with death on many different levels. it is a hbo show it plays on hbo for a reason.

sopranos: if you know me you know i am OBSESSED with anything to do with the mafia. so of course i loved everything about this show. great acting as well, james ganolfini may be my hero. and it deals with the twisted government vs. some folks that run the neighborhood as they think it should be run. which is worse: bad cops or gangsters? hbo as well.

entourage: this is just more then silly mindless television with a big budget, but so very very entertaining. sad thing is, i don't think this is far from the truth for most of hollywood. yep- hbo.

heroes: this was at peter's request. i have never wanted to watch this. and i could give or take it it after watching most of the first season. not a big fan.

my next adventure: mad men or carnival.

any other suggestions are welcome

window gazing

2009-03-16T18:39:00.000-07:00

drops weigh the branch into a doe-si-do

and i sigh with the knowledge of my ignorance

too many days have been set with my stagnation

i know i need to...

say something...

anything.

but no words will be thought aloud without the Source.

and that is where i fall short.

how do i expect to speak while being so far removed from the Voice.

i do it to myself.

i hoard the silence instead of sharing the room with Him.

how does someone so lowly forget my place time and time again?

as if my priorities are of more value then the lost souls needing redirection...

ah ha

it is me who needs that redirection.

who will find me and point me too the Way?

someone who has chosen to share the room with Him.

they have spent time with the Source and listened to the Voice.

she found me again and i asked for the Way.

off i go...

wish list

2009-03-07T21:56:00.000-08:00

life is full

2009-03-03T20:44:00.000-08:00

full of greatness, full of activity, but too full for relaxation.

i am on day 9 of working 13 days in a row, so i apologize ahead of time for this attempt at blogging.

peter and i had our first 2 days off together last weekend.

it was about 9 o'clock on a friday night.

i had received a few texts earlier that day from redding friends and voiced my love and how much i missed everyone.

and just like that we were on our way (through the night) to see everyone.

we arrived at wes's at 5 in the morning, slept for a few hours and woke up with the help of sue's java. delightful.

everyone was just where they were supposed to be on a saturday morning in redding and we had a grand ole circle going on outside of sues.

the weekend was perfect.

no preconcived expectations.

just perfect.

i am sure it would of been smarter to stay in portland and rest.

we didn't have the money to spend. (ohh the credit card)

but i am not sure the next time peter and i will have 2 days off together again?

and as i always say...

life is too short to be 'safe' with money.

my downfall?

probably.

10 things i want to do before i am 30

2009-02-13T09:26:00.001-08:00

i consider myself ambitious, but in no way do i hold myself to ridiculous standards. so here are a few things that i would love to do within the next 6 years, and will try my hardest to make it happen. sometimes i get so scared and panicky about life being so short, so if i give myself somewhat of a timeline, it helps me unpack all my dreams...

1. get a full sleeve.

2. have a career. already got one degree down and not using it... hopefully this next one will be put to use...

3. take a road trip around the country. i feel the need to see whats here near me before going overseas any more then i already have. besides, once i am a nurse (see #2) then we can afford europe. at least, i hope.

4. see radiohead, tom petty, sigor ros, and michael jackson live. obviously not at the same time. but that would be a hilarious crowd of fans.

5. have a full bedroom set. you know, like a real adult. i want a low profile bed, with a night-stand, a dresser, maybe an armoire, and a vanity. ohhh, how i want i real vanity. there is something so feminine about a vanity.

6. go whale watching again. hopefully off the coast in seattle. i have heard you can see the orkas migrate. so far i have just seen humpback whales in hawaii.

7. have a family reunion of some sort. i would love to be able to see all my relatives and family together in texas. as well as a separate black family reunion. there are so many stories to be heard and shared.

8. love, love, love, and love even more. i feel like we have been known as a very hospitable and welcoming team. we have housed many a friend. sometimes just for a weekend, and sometimes for a few months. it is what we do. and i love helping out by loaning out what little we have.

9. be a member of a church.

10. go on a backpacking trip. yes peter, you are reading this correctly. we all know i am a wuss, but who has time to be a sissy.

this is my life...

2009-02-04T17:08:00.001-08:00

i just wanted to share with you all how much cuteness i have in my job...

it is exhausting. yet more rewarding then most jobs i have had.

and just when i am about to snap, he does something so spontaneously cute i just can't handle it.

he is my pride and joy and i gladly bring him to coffee dates and picnics in the park.

weird little girl...

2009-01-29T23:05:00.000-08:00

ok, what i am about to say may make me sound like a lunatic, but i have to explain these interactions that keep repeating themselves. and at the end of it, i would love if someone would tell me that i am not crazy, and that someone else knows what i am talking about.

there is a certain type of parent(s) that are in charge of this certain type of child, usually a girl, who drive me up the wall.

these parents are usually older, seemingly older to have a child this young.

the child is usually around 8 to 12.

but speaks far more eloquently then one would expect.

'implying' the greater intelligence of this certain child.

usually the child is participating in some unruly action; climbing on merchandise in a shopping center, sitting in a grocery cart and noisily banging, trying to run but still holding their mothers hand creating their parent to follow them around... or even sitting in the middle of the aisle or store so everyone has to walk around them....

and these parents let their 'intelligent' children speak however and whenever - no matter how awkward the conversation is getting.

and this may be totally out of line...

but because these children have said rude and inappropriate things to me i will speak my mind...

i feel that these parents feel that they are so lucky to have a chance at parenting... and even more lucky to have such a gifted child (damn those gate kids) that they think...

'oh how cute, my child is so curiously brave to talk to a stranger this way- nice going for thinking outside the box, honey! yes, its fine to cross this strangers social boundaries, after all they set them there, don't conform to their norms'

well i have news for you "oh so lucky parents"...

your kid is weird and will always be weird and just because they know about space time continuums does not mean that they can talk to me.

your kid is not cute and is usually dressed funny with uncombed hair and it does not look 'creative' it looks WIERD!

addicted to...

2009-01-21T18:21:00.000-08:00

jadiohead: a mash up of jay z and radiohead!
(i think thats how you spell it).
a big thank you to 'the brothers'.
i have had it playing in my car for 2 weeks now.
christian; if your not already- you should listen to it. it made me think of you.
and amy if you like the new kanye you will like this.

sub question: how come very time you see jay z pictured he is in a yacht?

california is missed for more reasons then one

2009-01-21T07:25:00.000-08:00

dear garlic; gilroy has you all beat. i have noticed that when buying garlic up here it is not nearly as fresh. it usually has those green things growing out of it already. boo. and all produce for that matter is also not as fresh or abundant. we live next to safeway and so thats where we do a majority of our shopping and no matter what dish i am making there is usually one of the fresh ingredents missing? who ever thought that safeway would have a few days that they don't have cilantro... or a red onion. and then it hit me! i have grown up in an agricultural phenomenon my whole life. i could get whatever, whenever i needed it. (food maxx is the exception).

tis time

2009-01-17T16:18:00.000-08:00

a new year has begun with a renewed motivation. i started a new job this last week and boy is it exhausting. my exhaustion is more of a sigh of relief, then anything else. i have been waiting to start this job for the last 2 months and its finally here. i am taking care of a 6 month old, monday through thursday, 10 hours a day (give or take). and on fridays and saturdays i decided to keep my boutique job. so i apologize if i start talking too much about that special someone in my life... the baby of course.

we spend our days walking around the most extreme hills, going to book babies, and having coffee dates. he's basically my boyfriend. and pretty damn cute to boot. it is pretty crazy to think that i am starting before he knows how to sit up, and by this time he will be running around and talking! it's only been 2 weeks and already i am finding myself thinking about him on my days off. but i guess thats what its like with any job...

i am loving having a more reliable financial situation and it's so nice to have that hope that we will now be able to get the things we have been holding out for, a dining room table, oregon license and registration, and school costs. and i will never EVER underestimate the ability to pay bills on time. it is so nice to pay what you need to by the deadline. since we moved here, we have had a hell of a time making it all add up. at the same time am i crazy when i say that there is something to financial burden? anyways thats another blog in itself...

we had a great new years week in cali visiting the agudo's and the blacks. it included many a mexican meal, horseback riding in which my sister got bucked off...don't worry she's ok, so you can laugh... and a relaxing time in the beautiful sierras with db deluxe!

all in all i will have a busy year between the 2 jobs and starting night/weekend school. but i have nothing but one life to live and i am doing all i can too live it. on my list to do next before i am 30 i need to get a full sleeve... lots of ideas but no funds. hopefully a year from now i will be posting some pics with some proof to show i am on my way to that goal...

white noise

2008-12-21T16:11:00.000-08:00

it is dark and the sky is made up of twinkling flakes that know not where they land

downtown the buildings have grown legs and take a few steps back

they make way for the silver lined streets to shine in all their glory

i have traded places with the bustling cars and instead it is me who passes the abandoned transports on the side of the road

my pronounced strides are thoughtfully executed and i smile while i sink into that which we cannot control

there is something about this beautiful mess

what was once bitterness towards the lack of hours spent working

has now morphed into a sigh of great relief

He has decided to sprinkle us with this blessing

it is He who knows what this means for me and my house

and it is Him who has provided

and it is Him who always will

i laugh at the thought of control

as i carve my way to the bus stop i think;

here is this beautiful city- so well thought out

yet we come to the season unprepared and empty handed.

we fell short.

and when i accept my inability to hold up all the strings in life.

there is a peace thats tingles in my chest and brings blood to my snow kissed cheeks.

snow days

2008-12-17T12:59:00.001-08:00

the childlike anticipation of the possibility of having your day at work canceled because of the snow has come into a reality for the last four days now. portland has now been one big block of ice since sunday and i am undecided on my scale of approval. i spend my days overcaffinated and nights seem to end with peter and i pacing around the house like the energizer bunny. there is no better time of the year to spend in doors, however...it has created several dichotomies;

to enjoy my days off

or to be anxious about rent due in a few days (with no money to pay it)

to spend this extra time on projects around the house

or finding more and more things i "need" money to fix

reading for enjoyment

or playing papi all day long on my phone

seizing the moment and walking around in the picture perfect snow

or staying indoors and watching christmas movies

my abundance of time has resulted in a facebook account, making some awesome dinners (such as parmesan crusted chicken with a garlic butter sauce over penne), writing a christmas letter, going to ikea and obviously "having" to buy a few innovations that will make life that much better! so if you have any craft ideas, recipes, or some awesome mind blowing website, PLEASE pass it on to me...

merry christmas from portland

2008-12-14T12:06:00.000-08:00

whistle while at work

2008-12-13T23:46:00.000-08:00

the corners of the brick are chipped to reveal a mossy home;

a home where one may find more then excepted.

the corner of morrison is claimed by the early bird.

the garbage bag covers the sleeping bag with a soul.

how did he get so lucky to get the day off?

free today.

free tomorrow.

freedom that i will never know.

i chose my path.

he chose his.

much more daring then i care to be.

i choose resistance.

he chooses the wind.

'an old fashioned christmas'

2008-12-06T11:22:00.000-08:00

yep, that title is another christmas song.

get used to it.

i am probably the biggest fan of christmas you will meet.

ok, maybe not.

i once worked with a lady who had over 7 trees in 3 different rooms in her house with 7 different themes.

and she even converted her garage into a room of different nativity scenes and trains- the kicker was she kept it up year around!!!

but let me tell you, i think that was the most christmas spirit i have ever witnessed.

and i loved every moment of that.

i don't see myself ever being that crazy...

then again i wouldn't mind having a few different trees.

i can tell already that i am going to be one of those crazy moms that doesn't let the kids decorate the big tree.

and instead i will buy them a separate tree so they can put all their crafty 'precious' ornaments on their own-probably clustered in one spot towards the bottom of the tree. cause thats the best way of course!

i really will be a good mom. i promise....

as long as i can make my own batch of frosted sugar cookies, you know without all those fingerprints...

ok, so i may be a little christmas crazy.

but for now here is a small pic of my tree.

all the ornaments or gold, or variations there of.

i picked it a few years ago with the intention that i wouldn't get sick of it.

and so far i haven't.

i add a few every year. good times.

you give me a red ornament... your going on the back of the tree.

"the season of love is here"

2008-12-01T15:48:00.001-08:00

sinatra and i are baking some cookies on this chilly day.

our first christmas in a big city with just peter and i.

our very own thumbprint will mark this holiday.

limit it to just one day- i don't think so!

i will spend this month baking cookies, my peppermint bark, and maybe a recipe you yourself will share with me.

maybe a holiday favorite that will become a new one for me!

there is no way to kick off this giving season then with spending thanksgiving with the ones that matter.

it was a huge hit up here in portland.

we started the morning with some mimosas and cinnamon rolls and kept our bellies warm with wine as we indulged in such a glorious meal.

and now on this first of december i plan to fill my house with my friends and family, some Elvis christmas, and host many a dinner seated around the christmas tree i plan on setting up tonight!

merry chistmas to all.

and no it's not to soon in my opinion.

thanks(for)giving!

2008-11-18T19:37:00.000-08:00

i am so thrilled to be hosting thanksgiving for the third year in a row!
(with the help of joey and his big purple barn of course!)
peter's family will all be heading to portland in 2 weeks...
so far it's a list of 17!
as i have mentioned, and most of you know-entertaining is my hobby.
i thrive on cooking and especially for a group of friends.
i love it all-
planning the menu
grocery shopping
cleaning
using all my beautiful cooking utensils and serving dishes
i love presentation
and of course trying all the yummyiness!

my menu thus far:

APPETIZERS
pumpkin chocolate chip muffins
bacon wrapped shrimp
veggies with feta dip

DINNER
turkey (duh)
steak (because peter hates turkey)
twice baked potatoes
garlic bacon green beans
yams or sweet potatoes of some sort (hopefully the ones pictured)
cheesy biscuits
fruit salad
stuffing (joey's request)

DESSERT
rasberry tiramusu
apple lattice pie
pumpkin cheesecake

DRINKS
champagne with cranberry syrup

i will say that several of these recipes are compliments of hope jensen.
man do i miss her cooking 'class'.
i cannot wait!

i would like to hear what you all are having...
your favorite dishes...
and any suggestions...

i need some reading material...

2008-11-11T14:45:00.000-08:00

anyone have any suggestions...

so far this year i have read:

jon krakauer; into the wild
DEFINATLY IN MY TOP 10 BOOKS EVER!

this book was the first full book i had read in 2 years. i was burnt out on anything academic and could not bring myself to read without wandering off into la la land within the first few paragraphs. this book triggered in me what was once a love for literature and transformed reading from a distance to taking the journey with the character.
this book i recommend to everyone who is anyone.
especially to those who are in the 'in-between' stages of life.

shane claiborne; irresistible revolution
because i went to a christian university i have read more christian literature then i care to read in such a short amount of time.
to this day, it is really really hard for me to pick up a christian book and get into it.
only because i must have written over 100 papers on over 100 books, articles, sermons, and exerts. i have heard a lot of different views on christianity...
but everything i have been thinking about christianity and the church is touched on in this book. the good, the bad, and the ugly.
i do recommend this to all who may be looking for an apology from us jerk christians.

augusten burroughs; magical thinking, possible side effects, and dry.
i love him.
i love that he is open with all his issues. i love that he can step outside himself and find out where his problem lies and where it stemmed from.
and in the end the issue always seems a little more less of an issue...
of that makes any sense?
i do not recommend him to people unless they are in for an extremely explicit ride through dysfunction.

james frey; my friend leonard, million little pieces
and yes i know he is a 'fraud'.
and yes i know that he is so 'out'. and has been on everyone's bookshelf for at least 2 years already.
but if you know me-i love anything involving mafia and the mob. and the fact that an old time gangster 'adopted' james frey as a son was enough to make me crack open the book.
i don't care that he lied to oprah...hell i don't even care about oprah.
i think it was well written and abundantly honest.
i do recommend these books to people who are okay with drug usage.

jonathan safer foer; extremely loud and incredibly close
AMAZING.
REFRESHING.
best book i read all year.
from a boys point of view that preserves an innocence that we can so easily forget.
recommend this to everyone.

chuck palahnuik; fugitives and refugees, choke, diary, rant, and parts of lullaby.
we all know who he is:
disturbing
inovative
clever
and always the shock factor.
over the years i have now read almost all his books he has written and but the book that i am most impressed by i read a few years ago; invisible monsters.
out of all the shock and horror, i still think of brandy alexander's story as if she was someone i knew at one point.

chuck klosterman; killing yourself to live and sex, drugs and cocoa puffs
i read killing yourself first.
i thought it was funny and reminded me of steven.
loved the music refrences and loved all the girl 'friends'.
i did not like the sex drugs...
but part of the reason is because i could not identify with it...
and i don't like sports...and it has a lot of it.
recommend it to all who love music and pop culture.

don miller; blue like jazz
yep-i gave in to everyone.
i went into the book trying to hate it (because everyone else loved it).
but it has lots of good points and i liked what he had to say on spirituality.
highly recommended to those who want to read a book on something other then the church.

bret easton ellis, less then zero
being as he is one of palahnuik's inspirations i had to know what he had written.
and if you believe it, it's even more disturbing then everything i had read previous to this point.
only because its about a group of teenagers in los angeles and
captures the greed and selfishness that so many people share.
so the reality of these circumstances is what horrified me.
great author; not recommending it to anyone based on it's extremely graphic tellings of drug use and sexual abuse and dysfunction.

i am sure i forgot some

that was way longer then i intended it to be. for anyone who is still reading, i would love some suggestions...

i forgot to add...

2008-11-03T12:49:00.000-08:00

(read last blog first)
i was going to indulge you all in who i voted for...
just because i am an honest person.
it was obama.

i know this will offend all of a 3 people who read my blog.
other then that...most people i have talked to made that same decision.

cheers.

efforts

2008-11-03T12:39:00.000-08:00

man alive.
this was my first time voting, and boy i had no idea the extent of what i signed up for.
(although i am very VERY thankful for opportunity to engage).
i try and stay away from all media around election time as to not sway my opinions.
so this morning when i was reading the voters pamphlet was the first time i heard of any of these proposed bills and such.
it took me three hours to educate myself on such matters.
i don't know if there was a faster way to do this, but i didn't get the memo.
all in all, i am pleased with each decision...except...
the presidential vote.
but, alas, i made a choice.
for better or worse- i shall stand for my vote.
come four years down the road, i will be the first to say if i made a bad decision or not.
but all i could do was make a choice on the smorgasbord of information i have consumed.
debates, articles, blogs, opinions, and morals all played their role in my choice.
we shall see...

beach weekend

2008-10-28T20:43:00.000-07:00

birthday weekend.

lincoln city, thanks to stranny.

great beach house.

great people.

and gourmet meals.

i was sick, but i heard the ocean has healing powers.

almost true.

sleeping to the sound of the waves was more then soothing.

the colors of fall were magnified against the grey wash of the beach.

and catching up on some a great book (courtesy of pow pow),

with a glass of wine was amazing times 10!

thanks to all who made it possible;

nich, lindsay, joey, ashley, and my lover.

yep, more of this

2008-10-24T10:12:00.000-07:00

so i took josh pool's advice and watched the forum at saddleback church.

i think it made the decision tougher.

it went something like this...

obama went first.

i like 75% of what he had to say and could personally identify with his desires.

i loved that he wanted not so much to develop systems to deal with our problems, but to find out what these problems are caused by and fix them before they become a problem.

yes it is idealistic, but i liked it.

i decided that he wanted the changes that i find most important, the 'greater good' if you will.

yes his abortion plan is skeptical and i don't like it.

but outlawing abortion doesn't solve any problems. and in fact can cause even more unwanted children in this world.

i am going to go ahead and say that taxing the more wealthy is not ideal, but if your going to raise taxes-they are the ones that can afford it.

as for national health-care. well, your talking to a gal who has racked up a few grand in hospital bills over the last 2 years. if i don't have money for insurance, how am i going to have money to pay those bills. what do you think i am going to say...

but he is right, we need to find out the source of the problem, and then implement the systems that will help people.

i like that obama stands for change.

i don't agree with everything. but agree with his motives.

so i decided i would vote for him.

i wasn't convinced, but I WILL VOTE and exercise my right.

and then mccain came on.

and he was a lot more absolute. i respect the hell out of someone who is will give some straight yes's and no's. (which might of been one of the only nights that he was that clear).

he has so much experience and has been through hell and back.

he does want to give me money for insurance.

and he cares deeply for america and our safety...so much in fact, that he will do whatever it takes to gain our pride back.

this is where i take 3 steps back.

i am not for war.

at all.

not to mention, our country has enough of our own problems. and this point brings me back to obama.

he is all for pinpointing OUR issues before marching overseas and fixing everyone elses.

i happen to think that is fairly biblical.

and at the same time, so is helping those in need...

so here i am back in square one.

i am telling you.

ron paul 08!

now i took the chance and layed out my true thoughts and feelings. so feel free to do the same. feel free to rip me apart and tear me down. it's fair game if i post it on a blog, right...

love is a choice, and i choose it

2008-10-23T10:53:00.000-07:00

love comes out of a confidence of ones one self worth.

you have to know yourself well enough to know.

to know that the feeling you are experiencing is nothing else you have ever felt before.

you can't quite put your finger on it.

but it's making you forget your responsibilities.

your pains.

your plans.

your cravings are not for your own pleasure.

but for someone more important.

you no longer are the center of your world.

and instead, you serve someone who is much more worthy.

to think that we love because He first loved us.

i owe Him everything.

a successful love is one that rests in that fact.

i say it over and over.

we love because He first loved us.

i can love because i was loved first.

i love peter because i was know how to be loved.

and the only way this love functions;

this love that i cannot contain;

is if i believe with all my heart that he loves me back.

that same black hole of appreciation and gratitude i have for my Savior;

i only have that because he loved me first.

and i believe that.

i really do believe i am worthy.

and that is the secret my friends.

believe it.

know it.

know you are worthy.

you are worthy.

so worthy.

to love,

to be in love,

it is only possible if you believe that someone loves you back.

and if you choose a different, an alternate path of love;

you are looking at the face of doom.

because we only love because he first loved us.

boo yeah

2008-10-20T14:59:00.001-07:00

we had a spontaneous dinner party with some friends and family this past saturday night. it turned out amazing! peter made his curry and garlic tofu. there was wining and dining and what turned out to be a dance party in the kitchen, listening to some soul while washing dishes. i don't know if you have ever danced and done the dishes with some friends but i highly recommend it! shannon (a friend from work is is rapidly becoming the best gal ever) and i WANTED more dishes to clean. thats how fun it was. we had a gang of about 20 come over. just like the ole redding days.

i decided that those of you who blog seem to me much closer then you actually are. and if that is confusing to you...compare it to a converstion of sorts. like all you so cal folks...haven't talked to you in months, haven't seen you in even longer, yet because of blogging...i feel i know whats going on in your life...

i jumped on the band wagon and am reading blue like jazz by don miller. IT IS AS GOOD AS EVERYONE SAYS IT IS. the first few chapters i went into it like i was going to hate it. (but then again i do that with all modern christian literature). there are such simple points that stand out with a conviction that rings genuinly passionate. i will share with you something that i have mulled over...

" my most recent faith struggle is not one of intellect. i dont really do that anymore. sooner or later you just figure our there are some guys who don't believe in God and they can prove he doesn't exisit, and some other guys who do believe in God and the can prove He does exist, and the argument stopped being about God along time ago and now it's about who is smarter, and honestly i don't care. i don't beleive i will walk away from Him, and please pray that i never do, i will walk away for social reasons, identity reasons, deep emotional reasons, the same reasons that any of us do anything...

the thing i have to work on in myself is belief...

but the trouble with deep belief is that it costs something. and there is something inside me, some selfish beast of a subtle thing that doesn't like truth at all because it carries responisbilty, and if i actually beleive these things i have to do something about them. it is so cumbersome to believe in anything. and it isn't cool...

...what i believe is NOT what i say i beleive; what i believe is what i do...

i used to say i believed it was important to tell people about Jesus, but i never did...if i don't introduce people to Jesus, then i don't believe Jesus is an important person."

these are just a few exerts from his chapter on belief. there are so many great points in this book that i would love to discuss with people.

10 signs of getting older

2008-10-18T10:00:00.000-07:00

1. changing your email address: i had to re-do my resume this year and i was tired (ie. embarrassed) of the cutesy email address i have had since i was 14.

2. no more forever 21: i can't do it anymore. i used to be able to frivolously spend 80 bucks and walk out w

ith tons of jewelry, tops, leggings, jeans, hand bags, sunglasses, i think they even had babies on sale once. i have whittled down my wardrobe to a some key pieces and i find i just want a few (more spendy) pieces each season.

3. i am offended by youth cussing up a storm in front of children: i will never forget when my mom scolded some teenagers for cussing in front of me when i was a wee tot. sooo embarrassed. and now...i find myself wanting to tell them to shut up. gosh, i AM getting old.

4. i get up earlier then i need to: i no longer sleep til the very last minute, roll out of bed, and drive to work. i crave the time in the mornings to listen to a few great tunes, read a tale or two, and consciously pack some healthy treats for work.

5. i like the dankso clogs and more and more i think about buying them. not cute AT ALL but i do work retail...is that an excuse?

6. eleven is my bed time: now this doesn't mean i do not enjoy going out and having a few beers, but i just enjoy doing it earlier in the day. i find at shows, my back hurts, my feet hurt, and i enjoy them just as much sitting in the back of the venue. (except for dr. dog of course)

7. i like gold, silver, and gems: and i what i mean by this is i enjoy real jewelry instead of the costumey jewelry. not that i can afford it, but i see how much more timeless it is.

8. mid career crisis: see last post

9. i like buying and receiving house things: i get excited about a new gadget for the kitchen or new nick nack for the living room. i remember my mom telling me one day, i too would want plates for christmas instead of toys. i didn't believe it.

10. wrinkles: i think i saw some this morning= no more sunning for me.

ugh, the love hate of being in your 20's

2008-10-15T14:05:00.000-07:00

so i appreciate my youth, this oh so fleeting time that i am allowed to make selfish decisions. however i feel because our generation IS allowed to CHOOSE school or no school, career or starving artist, dreams or social obligation...it leaves us running around in circles.
yes OF COURSE i am thankful for the opportunity to CHOOSE.
but i am pretty sure i do not know one person my age who has FOUND 'IT'.
at the same time, that is one of the complications that make up our age demographic that has given me the chance to 'try out' many different 'suits' (if you will).
i have worn the retail 'suit' for almost 2 and half years.
and i am questioning it.
or am i questioning my motives for putting on that suit...
i would go far as to question my lack of motivation?
i now find myself reaching back for that expensive accomplishment called a degree.
i have officially done nothing with it since i graduated.
i knew full well that i was going to take a break from anything remotely academic for a few years.
its been a few years.
what shall it be next...
im leaning towards nursing school.
i just don't know if i have it in me AGAIN.
but what if i did something with one of my natural giftings?
like cooking...
not that i am terrific, but i could be...
what if i went to a cooking school?
and if i was going to pacific northwest would be perfect!
or what if i did something with event planning...
i know i like that.
i have done many an event in the last few years.
or what if i just played around and took some theology classes...

see what i mean about these circles?
the demon of choice is doing a number on this gal.

lost

2008-10-07T21:26:00.000-07:00

watched the debate tonight.

still don't know who to vote for.

i am the only one who is still waiting to decide?

part of me thinks i won't make up my mind until that day.

and that part of me says once i vote...

i still won't know if i made the right decision.

and thats why i am voting for ron paul.

just kidding...maybe?

im a jerk

2008-10-06T16:06:00.000-07:00

so for the last 6 years peter and i have been together peter usually ends up buying me a beautiful jacket of sorts for either my birthday (october 24) or for christmas. and since our move to portland i can finally use the rain as an excuse to get a rain trench that i wanted for years. this trench would join my lovely black pea coat, my houndstooth peacoat, and my winter white wool jacket that he has already graced me with. well, i found IT.

and it is at my store. which translates to... too expensive. but everyday i work i still slip it on and wear it. for those 30 seconds i imagine that i am the new owner of this glorious coat! it has all aspects of a trench that i want. a removable hood. a synched waist. made out of water resistant fibers. deep pockets. and of course a one of a kind design.

well today was payday and i waltz in the store, pickup my check and glance at wear the jacket should have been...alas, someone had found my secret treasure! i couldn't help but be a little sad, but all along i knew i could never afford such a piece. yes it was the dream jacket. but nothing was going to stop me from finding a replacement for that special trench.

today was my day off so while doing laundry with peter i mentioned that i was going to deposit my check and continue on the search at buffalo and crossroads. maybe, just maybe i could pick up a once loved rain jacket that i could also love.

me: hey i think im going to keep looking at the buy sell trades.

peter: this is your birthday month, maybe you should be patient and use your birthday money.

me: well, its just that its already raining... and, i wouldn't spend more then 40...

peter: just be patient...

me: you know that jackets are a big deal to me...

peter: gosh dangit, the reason why that jacket was gone is cause i bought it for you. i wanted it to be a surprise for once because you always pick out your own jackets... (cracking up) but you are just so damn persistent.

me: im such a jerk. i am so sorry. (cracking up) i am probably the most ambitious shopper i know. (reality sets in) I GOT THE JACKET!!!!

every year, it never fails. i ruin my own surprise.

thank you peter. you are more then i deserve. i will always love you.

blah

2008-09-26T21:50:00.000-07:00

so i have officially run out of steam.
this week was a rough one for me.
for those of you who don't know i ended up having to go to the er.
i wished rosie was my nurse.
instead it was a dr. richard toy-which peter found amazing.
i went for excruciating back pain that turned into abdominal pains that turned into me puking my guts out.
i felt dumb going.
i thought for sure i was going to have an outrageous bill only so that they could tell me, 'take some vicaden'.
they found out i had a gall bladder full of stones, one of them which was 1 in...
not gonna pass that one.
they said its not genetic...
my mom had hers removed last year, and had her first 'attack' at my same age (creepy).
my grandma had hers removed and had attacks every month for years.
and my great grandma came close to death when hers exploded from too many stones!
are you sure it's not genetic?
im fine now. just really weak and no energy.
super frustrated with the whole no-insurance thing.
it is so backwards-either we need to make a lot less and we will be covered by the state, or we can work our tails off and still not have enough to cover our monthly insurance fee... not to mention, it would still be a whole lot in co-pays, prescriptions, and a 500 charge for surgery.
they said i will eventually need surgery.
these attacks can keep happening...
the surgery is only $19,000!
the good thing is though that you can't be sent to collections over hospital bills...
is it weird that i was actually relieved to hear the pain was something?
i am so used to friends and family coming back from the hospital with a big bill and without any further steps to take.
at least i know all that pain was caused from something...right?

?

2008-09-23T18:25:00.000-07:00

do you think cheezits can substitute for cheese when pairing with wine?

how come people feel the need to sprint only to walk due to exhaustion? you usually get somewhere just as fast when running at a continuous speed.

why don't friends confront each other more often?

if you feel like i could be a better person... please let me know.

why is it so hard to follow the path of truth when listening in to politics?

do we learn because we are open to to change?

how come there are people that live for traveling and others who can stay in the same place forever?

how can you live without seeing?

maybe i am just broken. maybe its a fault of mine. maybe i only want to see the world because i am afraid of missing out...

how come music makes me cry before anything else?

it's like i need a soundtrack of my life to trigger my emotions.

i feel you need people to fully live.

is that wrong?

how come we are still in iraq?

i know, i know, loaded question. but really, how come?

do you think being 'in love' is a feeling... or a choice?

i think love is a choice. but what about 'in love'?

do you think that someone can really live a full life without a hope for a higher being?

how come i love fashion/clothing so much?

it is an honest love. but why can't i be in love with...i dunno...hiking or something. sometimes i feel like less of person because i love clothing so much.

what kind of music do you think Jesus was into?

i think his ipod would feature soul music, maybe some blues... rock and roll... anything played from the heart.

defiantly not anything they play on the christian radio station...

how come some people care, and some people don't?

how come some people get life and others don't?

how come i'm so curious?

sometimes i feel as if its my greatest attribute and sometimes i feel ridiculous.

crickett cafe

2008-09-21T14:28:00.001-07:00

we ate breakfast next to chris walla today.

cure all

2008-09-21T11:41:00.000-07:00

more and more leaves fall on top of my car with the weight of the morning dew

the chill in the morning is progressively biting away at my toes

weekends bring friends-bring hamms-bring good times

childlike board games burn away the nights wick

our apartment leaks of laughter and holds the people that matter

friends bridge the distance between my family and i

we walk to no specific place at all as long as their will be room for us all

the times between friends have become minimal

i am fulfilling my hospitable purpose with those who wish to partake

differences amongst us have taken the back-seat and are noted with respect

the snooze button has lost its appeal to the early possibilities of the day

portland is golden

hello world

2008-09-19T19:59:00.000-07:00

we have had some great friends come and stay with us. i have much enjoyed having curt and nate's visit. curts will come to an end tomorrow. and nate will stay a little lover for the dr. dog show on tuesday! can't wait! we are having some friends (and new possible friends who i have not yet met) over for a bbq tonight. i am so at home when entertaining. you should come visit...

internal battles

2008-09-16T10:33:00.000-07:00

currently only working 3 days a week.

loving the time to myself and my soul.

then feel guilty.

this is the noise my mind makes:

'could be saving more money if i worked more'

'but i don't care about more money'

'but you do care to travel and see your parents'

'but you could give up other things in life *ahem* like lattes'

i am enjoying getting 9 hrs of sleep a night,

waking up and going on long walks in the parks,

making an actual healthy breakfast,

and then cleaning house everyday.

i find myself a much more rounded person.

i have a lot more to give others.

i am able to spend at least an hour a day reading (for enjoyment).

i am so much more active.

i have the energy to walk and ride bike everywhere.

we are making it just fine if i only work 3 days a week...

but if i worked more then i could buy peter all his bike rain gear.

and i could pay for my brother to come up here (and convince him to move).

hell, i could by all my friends a ticket up here.

i want to share my money.

i could work more so that peter can quit his life-sucking-pain-in-his-ass-job!

and i could get benefits so that peter can work anywhere he wants!

*sigh*

so i have my second interview tomorrow to start at that nanny agency. i still am not sure if i am going to take it or not. i know i would love the actual job. but then other areas of my life seem to start eating away at my time spent feeding my soul. i absolutely love watching kids. i am just a but leery... well you heard the conversation...

visions

2008-09-14T21:50:00.000-07:00

so today i went to church for the second time at imago dei and was thoroughly blessed. for whatever reason- we entered the service and i marched right up front to the first few rows and found myself a spot. in the last few years i have attended church- i have not sat in the front for at least the last 5 years. but man... do i pay much more attention! maybe it's just less to look at? maybe there is nothing but the stage to focus my attention on? i am not sure, but i do know i was so inthralled with what was shared this sunday. during offering a girl played a song (she mayor may not have written herself) and it was just her and her guitar. so simple yet so loaded. then the main pastor spoke today on I Corinthians. it had biblical background, strong theology, and a whole lot of practical application for the dumbies like me. i just sat back and was blown away with how much i had to learn. and then i had a vision...

i was running through a field of tall grass blowing in the wind. the field was endless and there was no one thing i was running towards. but i noticed a series of very giant staggering flagpoles. (like the one between bechelli and i5 in redding) and each flagpole had a beautiful flag that whipped strongly in the wind. each flag told a story and communicated such genuine life. every flag was different and as i ran from flag to flag i was equally impressed. every flag was different and had a different life lesson to share with me. over time i noticed that there were some flagpoles that were left unattended and the flag was in a pile at the bottom of the pole. not being used. not fulfilling its purpose. and then i noticed that each pole had someone standing at the base flying their flag of a story. they were people who were showing their lives for me to see. all of them proud to have a flag. the poles that had nothing to show had people who were grey in color and sat at their pole in what seemed a bitter shame. they were lifeless and defiant. i noticed that the more flags i got to read/see the more i felt blessed. and then i came to my pole. it was at half mass. not because i didn't want to fly what i had to show. but because i was to occupied seeing what other had to show me.

and that is when i had the revelation. today in church i was so moved by one girl who followed a will to sing to us today in church and i was taught some valuable life lessons today by one man who followed his calling to become a pastor. but what if they didn't follow their calling? would i have been AS filled? so in the mornings when i get up and i think 'maybe i should reflect on all i am thankful for and take the time to identify with the salvation i have received...' and the decision i make to hit snooze and to ignore my instincts... maybe i am denying a chance for God to do a work in me SO that i can show people the freedom i have in Christ... the choice that i have to follow God in every moment is mine to make. BUT is it a story of grace that i am robbing from others?

i know this is kinda out there. but it was a thought that i was rolling over all day. i have always taken my faith as a selfish endeavor. however... am i cheapening the story that God wants to display through me?

choschkees

2008-09-10T20:04:00.000-07:00

i have no idea how to spell 'choschkees' but it is pronounced 'cha-sch-keys'. and that is what peter and i call all those fun things that get to fill our bookshelves, walls, and any other crevice we can find to inhabit with a new CHOSCHKEE! and there is an abundance of the cute dust collecting nessecities up her in portland. i am assuming they are collected from all the amazing old houses that end up having an estate sale. we have been to a few on the weekends, and you can walk through these homes that tell a story of a long lived life. you can see the shadows left by freshly sold furniture on the light stained wall paper. you can smell that particular families smell. and you can take a treasure home that has watched over someone for many years and hopefully will make it through our long life together.

each day it seems like we bring home a new little something and togther have collabratley made up our living space in this new world of ours. what was once our lonely book collection, has now become a family that is ecclectic as we are as people. i wouldn't say we are quite finished. but is anyone ever really finished bringing home choschkees?

here are a few pics to enjoy:
please notice our antlers, antique picture of some of the first made bicycles, a small little mushroom, old gold glass bowl that holds our matches, an old ceramic pirate ship, a golden owl, and an old trunk. and this is only in our living room. our kitchen is only starting to collect bits and pieces of others in this life.

priorities

2008-09-07T21:16:00.000-07:00

amongst all the deciding factors that will weigh in on life; and all the grand ideas i hear and see; i at times get lost with who i am and who i strive to be in life. so i complied a mental list that i like to remind myself in these states of disarray. some of these are serious matters and others are light reminders.

money is not what i am living for. i do not care to have a career for any other reason other then i do what i do because i like it. i have never made a lot of money, and nor do i care to. i consider myself a very hardworking mama, therefore i will work my ass off anywhere i need to. (side note: my first job was the summer i turned 15 and my mom would drop me off every morning at 6:30am and i worked in the warehouse for the school district. most of the time, unloading, loading and dropping off pallets of school supplies. i will say that although it was a ridiculously hard job for a 15 yr old girl- i knew no different and at the time though that was what work is. all that to say- i am not afraid to work at mcdonalds if thats what it takes to pay bills.) i know to many people that get wrapped up in this mentality that they 'need to make it'. so they work 60 hour weeks so that they can get the promotion; only to work another 60 hours a week in a different office... waiting for the next promotion? umm- what are you trying to make it to? and once you make it, then what?
i will always attend church. no matter where i am in my relationship with Christ. i will attend church. even when i HATE the church. i will attend church. even when i feel foolish for believing in something that i cannot see or feel for months at a time. i will attend church. i say this full well knowing that i am really young and have not gone through the 'trials of life' but i am making a vow to myself that i will always attend church. amongst all the great new ideas people have of making their own version, and my especially favorite excuse; 'i think i have a better idea of christianity without the church'. the church has always been there and always will. yes it is fallen, but thank God for it because i am fallen as well.
i want to end up doing some sort of missions. i have no clue what this looks like. sometimes i (we) feel led to go into some sort of nursing school to physically help those out in need. and lately we feel like saving to buy land somewhere out in the country...oregon is much more cheap then california. it would be some sort of farm-barn-dorm-commune that serves the community. we would grow organic produce that we would live off of and sell to the local businesses. and offer room and board to those who wish to help out on the farm or just general matenince. i would love to offer a place for those struggling families who wish to work and take a break from bills. once they get their feet underneath them i could hook them up with people in the community who they could make a long term commitment with. pastors could take their sabbatical there. we would love to provide a lovely library full of theological and philosophical reading materials and have a pastor always in sight to give some guidance.
i want to travel the world. not in any sort rich sort of way. i mean trial and error sort of traveling. we are the vacationers who love spontaneous trips (shout out to team adventure) and trying new things. there is just so much to see and so little time. already on my days off i ride the bus, ride my bike, and constantly go to parts of portland where i have never been. sometimes its a bummer, but most times i find a treasure or two.
family is forever. i cannot make decisions based on my friends. for when i do, they let me down. just as i have let down many people. but my family always comes through-in their own sort of way. it is so important to make that extra effort.
i don't do the gym thing. so many times i join the gym and go for a couple months and then spend the rest of the year paying off the damn membership. i will just stick to the outdoors for free.
i will adopt at least one child and ideally from a less fortunate situation/country. this is a battle within me. this world is a tough one and so often i think that i should just adopt a child that was already born into this world. on my bad days i think i would never want to bring a child into this world. but then i look at peter and how extraordinary he is and i want a child that will capture him. that will look up to him and be like him. thus is the battle.

these are just some of the for-sure's of the life of lauren. thanks for reading.

curry flurry!

2008-09-05T20:22:00.000-07:00

tonight we feast on peter's famous curry and garlic tofu! i wish you could all be here with us. we are still working on the whole making friends thing. of course peter is great at it. i, on the other hand, am just a bit more shy. joey is obviously making an appearance with his neighbor ashley who is also great. we are used to making this dish for at least 25 people. so making it for just four is a bit challenging. our proportions seem to be way off? and those of you who know me-know that i thrive off of having friends and family in my home; preparing appetizers, passing out drinks, and making sure there is more then enough dinner for everyone. throw in a theme and BAM you got to be there!

we have met a few great people;

joey's good friends and neighbors- ashley, lindsay and nich, jeremy and the original songwriter herself: sally

my work pals- shannon, brady, and awesome boss katy (who wins awesome points for giving me a beer after work on saturdays!)

and them some randoms like trip and laura and eric and annmarie

oh and peter's cousins- liz and lindsey

and oh how i am thankful for all these beautiful people who have made transitions so much smoother. but i do miss the comfort of a having all who love and care within a few miles. and i do miss my church family.

but i cannot wait for my dear friend curtis to come up in 9 days and my great friend nate to move up here in 10 days! please please the rest of you come and visit and i will show you all we have discovered in this beautiful town!

no words...

2008-09-03T14:43:00.000-07:00

there is nothing to say. so i will let this photo speak for me. however, make note of the socks.

the day of labes...

2008-09-01T20:09:00.000-07:00

days off...

smells of friends congregating over a barbecue...

incense burning in the background...

noise of people bustling with their bags full of fresh produce from the farmers market...

listening to the faint conversations of peter and joey in the courtyard...

tastes of the pinot grigio and

anticipation for the garlic marinated corn on the cob.

relaxation and certainty.

breath of simplicity and pleasure.

all is well.

well with my soul.

heroes and graces

2008-08-28T20:49:00.001-07:00

i just wanted to thank you- portland- for being so good to us.
thank you to the hostess with the mostess: jobe.
he has shared his secrets, his friends, and his photos with us.
this last week has been nothing but amazing.
every few days, i have this thought 'i actually live here...i really do have anything that i ever wanted at my finger tips. and not only do i get the culture, food, and beauty of portland...the people hear are so genuine.'

my job is amazing. for those of you who care, i work at Nolita. it is a boutique located in the pearl district which translates to really fancy area wear gay men flock to walk their small dogs. even so, i have come to love my routine of taking a 20 min drive across the beauty of a river, through down town, and park in a garage only to walk a few blocks to my work. on my breaks i walk next door and sit in one of the many city parks- which has a bocce ball area, a super cool fountain like area for kids and their parents, and is bordered by a few great boutiques and coffee shops. i work thursay, friday, and saturday. and their is only four of us who work there, so it will soon become my work family. i love each one of them. and i don't think i mentioned this; but on saturday when we closed to shop- my boss promptly brought out pbr tall cans and passed one out to each of us and we sat around for an hour and just bs'd. it was truly amazing! so i am officially in love with this whole new job thing.

so after getting my schedule figured out at the shop i was able to look for a second job for monday, tuesday, and wednesday. i found one in just a few hours!! i signed up to work for a nanny agency up here. it's probably the best kept secret you will ever come across. once they check my references and do a background check (which takes about 2 weeks) they will call me each of those mornings and ASK me of i want to work. i have the option to say no at any point. so i could be with a different family everyday or i could find one family i want to stay with. either way i get paid up starting at 11.50 per hr, and some jobs pay up to $18!!! oh, and i get benefits! i pretty much was sold at that point. i only had one question for the agency: how often will i realistically get a phone call about work; her reply was...we have so many families who want help that you could make a full-time position out of this! hooray!

cheers to portland.

over the line!

2008-08-26T11:15:00.000-07:00

so i am reading 'under the banner of heaven' by jon krakauer and it happens to me one of the most frightening things i have ever read (yes, even more then goosebumps). this is no horror book. it is only the journalists reports of what he has come to find about the fundamentalist mormons. these are the mormons who have been forbidden from the the church of latter day saints and have gone off to the desolate places of northern america to start what they feel is the TRUE Mormonism that joseph smith intended. and these followers participate in polygamy. the book contains interviews with some of these girls who have been child brides and i cannot begin to explain the eerie stories that they actually lived, and in some instances continue to live.

i originally picked out this book so that i could learn more on the history of mormonism and how people can follow such a young religion. i have always been dumbfounded with the attraction to such legalism. but the more and more i read about joseph smith, the more and more i realize how easy it can be. (i know this sounds crazy, but you must get this book!) and now reading farther and farther into this book i am stricken with the thought; if fundamentalism is just the result of following the original scripts quite literally- they are only doing what they feel they need to gain salvation. and for that matter, all fundamentalists are doing the best they can do.

a lot of us like to look at the islamic fundamentalists (or feminists, christians, mormons) and point our finger.

'what they hell do they think they are doing?'

'how crazy can you be?'

'they must be stupid to follow that guy!'

however, with the faith that you believe in what you do. that is the same faith that they believe in what they do! they believe they are saving the world. they are not doing it out of revenge or with a harmful intention. they honestly believe they are saving themselves and the world for the greater good.

now i am not saying i agree with any of this, but i do have a greater sympathy for those who walk such a hard line. not only are they dedicating their whole life to their faith, they dedicate those around them to their faith. now i think this is a little more hardcore then wearing black zip ups and listening to terror terror terror.

sunday not to be confused with sundae

2008-08-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

there is something about sundays that makes me sigh.

sigh with relief.

sigh with exhaustion.

sigh with sweet breathe.

sigh out of thankfulness.

i love sundays.

i was raised waking up and going to church EVERY sunday, no matter if i wanted to or not. my parents gave me no choice. and as much as i hated it at the time, i owe them big. no matter the theological struggle i am ever going through, i have chosen to be a part of church. most of them time i lose complete faith in the church itself. how many people we turn away, how we spend our money (the biggest issue i have), and who we are and what we do. in the midst of this confusion i do know one thing.

I AM THE CHURCH.

WE ARE THE CHURCH.

i can sit around and complain about how irrelevant the church is and decide that my faith in the Lord stands alone without the corrupt institution or i can choose to participate in the corrupt institution and try and seek out the true intention with other fallen people.

all this to say, sundays are an ending for me. for some reason my brain needs to experience a sunday to chapter off a period of time that has passed. it gives me a time to reflect and begin.

a bad week, sunday brings closure.

a good week, sunday brings thanksgiving.

a melancholy week, sunday brings contemplation.

sigh.

we made it

2008-08-20T09:32:00.000-07:00

the drive was unreal. there is no way i could 'prepare' to feel what i have felt the last few days. though we have been planning on moving since october 07, there was no way to foresee all the emotions that encompass a move. we have longed for a change in all areas of our life and i think that change is necessary to continue to survive. but man... does it hurt. and then at the same time i couldn't wait to get to a city with everything we want at our fingertips (or even within 3 blocks). and then starting a new job... oh the nerves! what the hell do know? i need patience for those people who will become good friends. and in no way will our portland friends replace our redding friends, but i need to be open. you never know who will become you new friend. i need acceptance for the pacific northwest weather; the good, the bad, and the ugly. since we have been here it has been sprinkling. and oh how refreshing. however i am not naive and i know in a few months when it has been sprinkling everyday that i need to stay strong and not hate my life. and then i few months after that when that first day of sunshine comes and reveals all the green, i will be in love. and all that waiting will be worth it.

never underestimate hope!

hot hot heat

2008-08-13T22:02:00.000-07:00

i am done with this heat in redding.

it is 10:06 pm and it still reads 98!!!

the last four days i have eaten just one meal a day, only because it's so hot you don't even want to prepare a meal. however i have eaten more ice cream then one should be able. and boy have we gotten creative with how many ways you can consume ice-cream:

ice-cream sundaes

ice-cream sandwiches

gelato

popsicles

milkshakes

frappicinos

fudge pops

frozen fruit bars

no lie, this is all we eat!

this is one thing that i will not miss about redding. not one bit. nothing you could convince me is good about heat.

you say lakes, i say floating trash.

you say tan, i say cancer.

you say picnic, i say ant bites.

even when i think about the opportunity to have an iced coffee, i think about the non-chance of a delicious perfectly rich foamy (hot) latte.

and i don't know if you would agree with me ladies, but there is a lot more that can be done with a wardrobe in the cooler months.

i am also pretty sure that God spends his summers in Monterey or Carmel.

dreamy desires

2008-08-10T18:36:00.000-07:00

chocolate cupcakes with cheesecake icing

an expensive haircut

soft cognac leather purse

wood grain velocity deep v bicycle rims

a fancy beer

pointy black flats

a double date with alyssa and nick

summer rain

coffee with brother steven

life supply of chips and salsa

long flowing hippy dress

the wonder years on a box set

a vanilla latte from albina press

sigor ros concert tickets

these are just some fun things that would be nice to indulge in. tell me your fun desires?

dear redding part 3

2008-08-08T06:45:00.000-07:00

All of these beautiful people have made up chapters in my life that are each unforgettable and undeniably influential on my development over the years in redding. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I treasure each and every one of these people.

Joe, Jordan, Gabe.

The Dunlap's, Matt, Josh and Andrea, Derek.

Jill and Amy Childers, Noah.

TJ, Taylor, Joe and Steve Black.

David, Scott and Lindsey, Todd and Deborah.

Holly.

Joey, of course.

Lexi.

Allison and Ericka.

Alyssa*.

Nancy and Evan.

Sister and Kelly R.

Dinah and Phil.

Curt, Nate, Tyler, and Sean.

Tim and Kalin, Brent, Sandy.

Zach and Kelly.

Jensen family and Faires family.

Christian.

Peter Black**

*Alyssa is an honorable mention; she never actually lived in Redding but she visited often and our entire best friendship has been long distance and primarily over the phone while I resided in Redding.

** He may be the last on this list but defiantly not the least. He has been in each one of these chapters playing the love of my life. Each one of these memories, he has given them purpose and reason when I could not find any. Basically he is my knight in shining armor, and I recommend everyone to get them a little Peter Black.

weirdness vs. quirky

2008-08-06T21:21:00.000-07:00

once you start to get to know me there are some pretty weird things in life that i notice and drive me bonkers. most people would think of me as crazy if i tried to explain these factors of life and for some reason i feel compelled to do just that:

hot feet syndrome: tonight after a lovely dinner with team coverdale (who will soon be team portland) i was walking around downtown and discussing how in hot weather- my feet heat up faster then anything else on my body. sometimes all i can think about is how hot my feet are and all i want to do is get in a pool as soon as possible. the heat consumes me and then becomes a rage!!! yes, i know- quite strange!
bones: i have this extreme dislike of feeling bones, most times even seeing bones (only the kind of bones when you see a super skinny girl and her hip bone sticks out a few inches over her jeans). however, it is only if they are under flesh! i looove anatomy, and if i had enough money i would go to the human body exhibit in turtle bay right now. i love dissecting, and i don't mind eating chicken legs. it is just this disgust with bones covered by flesh?!? when i put my hands to my sides and they brush against my hips...i freak out. or when peter tickles me and hits one of my ribs- i instantly squeal. sometimes i can mentally imagine my toes squeezed together in my shoes and i freak out at the thought of my joints rubbing together. i can handle blood and guts but when people have injuries where there broken arm is poking out of their skin... there is no way i can cope with that.
communication majors in college: i dunno why, but i immediately judge you. just being honest here folks.
flip flops: it may be because i live in california, and for some reason they are excepted as the shoe for all occasions. but i feel as if flip flops are an accident waiting to happen. wether it be walking down the street and getting it caught in crack, tripping, stubbing your toe and it bleeding all the way back home. or when you have a flip flop blow it in the middle of the grocery store. now what? you have to either leave your cart half full in the middle of the aisle, or limp along and and try to make it a little less discreet then it actually is. then there are the days you where them to the pool, you get home after a long day and oh goody you have a great flip flop sunburn that will stay with you the rest if the summer no matter how many times you lay out and try and fix it.
bachelorette parties: i have yet to go to one that is actually fun. i believe that it was girls response to the guys rebellion. every single one i have ever gone to was a good way to spend an evening, but you also spend the whole night wishing the guys would show up at some point. haven't you noticed that guys will talk about a specific bachelor party for many years to come. i have never talked about a bachelorette party, not even the next day. someone please, prove me wrong and have a great one!

so now you know a little more how this lady ticks. some people may call me a pessimist but i would like to call myself a realist.

beyond thankful

2008-08-04T21:32:00.000-07:00

In last week or so, I have been overwhelmed with blessing. Not luck, it is a blessing. I have never made so many huge decisions so fast and it's all God's hand. This week and weekend has been great in Portland! We are home safe and have now decided we are moving on August 19th!

I got a job at an AMAZING boutique with an AMAZING owner.

Peter's transfer was approved by the manager at his new Starbucks.

We were having some trouble getting approved with the apartment situation because they want to know our exact income, and hours, and pay!!! Well working at a coffee shop is not very 'exact'. The hours change from week to week and we have no clue what another state will pay him? Anyhow, we both decided (after having a frustrating meeting with the apartment management) that we would be completely fine if we needed to crash on some friend's couches for awhile. We were content with whatever cards we were dealt.

Then came the BLESSED phone call.

Peter's truck sold!!!

His truck has been for sale for the last 4 months and with the economy the way it is we thought for sure it wouldn't move any time soon. Thank you Lord! So now I can call tommorrow and hopefully be able to secure our apartment with 3 months rent!!!

dear redding part 2

2008-08-02T10:37:00.000-07:00

So we just walked, actually biked, to a coffee shop down the street from Joey's and low and behold there are a few friends who have moved up here to Portland from Redding. As big as this city is, there is still the small town feel that I have come to know and love while being in Redding. Thus as my reflection continues I will recall a list of greatness that only Redding can encumber.

Sue's: Through the years you have been a host of so many memories. Starting with meeting the Pool's there (plus Andrea) after church on Sunday's, watching Zach and Peter through things at each other and give us many a free cup of coffee. Then there were the middle years where I would meet with a couple girls; Allison, Lindsey, and any honorary guests to talk about life and somehow always ended up talking about church politics. And now Sue's is beautifully employed with a blessed group of people who go out of there way in getting to know Peter and I and who I will forever be thankful for these last few months of delicious brew.
The Manor: There are many lives that have been tangled together indefinitely through these outdated and glorious apartments. My journey started with the Dunlap's who introduced us to Matt, Josh and Derek who were able to refer Peter and Jordan to Apt# 31 who then referred David, Scott, and Gabe who would swim with my great gem of a friend, Holly. Holly barged in to Peter and Joey's apt and explained to us that she has been watching us from across the way and obviously we were destined to be friends. (and we were!) Then when Peter moved to a bigger and nicer apartment on the river, we were able to live next to Amy who married Jeremy. All this to say, thank you dear manor for the good times and sunsets galore.
Refuge: Wow, this community of people has been a far greater model of community then I could have ever imagined. This conglomerate of people has morphed more then any Transformer. (I would also go so far to say that it would be their superpower) We started in Neighborhood Church, moved to a beautiful house downtown, hosted some AMAZING Halloween parties, served some breakfasts, and most of all loved each other. And of course there have been some challenging moments, we got through them and have since started a church service designed for young adults. Thank you Todd for being with me from the wee age of 13. Thank you David for keeping us motivated at the Well. Thank you Bill for driving my love of theology and the knowledge of Biblical languages. Thank you!

Dear Portland, you have a lot to live up to. And dear loyal bloggers and blog lurkers please visit Peter's blog to find out how our trip has gone so far. Dear Redding, there is more love to be had on this rambling of a website that I call a blog.

dear redding pt.1

2008-07-29T12:08:00.000-07:00

Although I am over-excited to be going to Portland this week. I want to take the time and reflect on the Redding that I have loved over the last 6 years. Sometimes when I am gearing up for a big change I begin to become anxious for the change to happen already and then a bitterness fills my thoughts about the current situation- that being Redding right now. And that is one thing I do not want to do. Redding has provided so many blessings that there is no way I can possible recount them all.

I came here to go to college, and YES I hated Simpson at first, and YES I thought that Redding was a ridiculously small minded white conservative over churched town. And then 6 months later I fell in love with more then one element of Redding. And YES that did include my husband. But so much more then that. I learned to love how small Redding was and every time I went to a coffee shop they remembered my name. Redding was able to open my mind and grade this city with value of people that there was in this world rather then the amount of 'things-to-do'. My time was consumed with conversation and community rather then a list of what I need to do in my day. Which by the way totally wreck's any and all plans for your day- but oh how it is worth it.

Simpson was made up of overqualified professors who deserve so much more then to spend time on students like me. It is because of them that I made it through college. I went to school with a passion for psychology and to understand this world a little more. And I left with only more unanswered questions. But with those four years of blood, sweat and tears I can honestly say that I have a better world view. Dr. Slane gave me a love for theology, and the confidence I needed to stand for my theology. Dr. Liebscher was an unforgettable mentor and believed in my struggles when I thought they were completely irrelevant. Professor Hamilton-Slane intimitaded me to my core. And with her guidance I was able to see the possibilities of my power. Thank you Simpson.

To be continued...

millions?

2008-07-27T23:07:00.000-07:00

If you are what you eat, are you what you read as well? The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne has really brought to light some issues that I went through a few years ago. (a side note: this book IS worth all the hype, yes it is worth reading, and although I do agree with 99% of what he is saying, there is still that 1%) Within this last week I have been thinking about Christians and money. Now this may sound offensive, but bare with me as I am still working this out in my mind. Is it Biblical to try and make a lot of money in life? Is it right to be a millionaire? And even when you are giving away some, should one person (or family) sit on so much?

In this book he talks about 80% of the worlds money is distributed among 20% of the population. Which means the other 20% of the worlds money is left for 80% of the population. I read this statistic about a month ago, and now I find that when I am walking through a book store the sight of those "How to be a Millionaire" books make me cringe. And more then that the "How to be a Millionaire God's Way". I don't know about anyone else, but I am not so sure that is necessarily God's Way. And I know, I know, I am stepping on a lot of peoples toes when I say this. But... join with me as I struggle through this out in the open.

To put it simply, I just don't think there is enough money in this world to have some people be millionaire God's way. Now, I realize that there needs to be those of us who are gifted financially who run the businesses that I buy my groceries at. And there are those who are blessed financially and give "X" amount to the church every month. But if all those who attend church really gave their 10% then we could still exist even if we didn't have anyone in the church who made millions...

At this point I am not saying it is wrong for Christians to make millions. I am just struggling through the facts of poverty. I realize that there is a financial class that a lot of friends of mine are partaking in right now. And for the most part from what I heard it makes perfect sense; debt is bad and save for what you want. But I do not connect the whole saving to make millions "God's way". In my utopian world of heaven on earth... it just doesn't do it for me. There is only so much money in this world, so when one person has a big chunk doesn't that mean that some are without?

Let me know where I am wrong here... I would love to discuss this.

the search begins

2008-07-27T00:06:00.001-07:00

As most of you are aware we have been planning our move to Portland for awhile now. Well Friday morning I woke in a panic and felt so moved to actually commit to moving...well...NOW! So it was decided over a breakfast of pancakes, that we would spend our day off looking for apartments and jobs.

I don't know if you have ever decided to move to a completely new state and huge city, but it is one hell of a job trying to make huge decisions over the internet! Hours and hours of scrolling through craigslist and google, looking at your possible next life through a window that is about 3 in. wide. It's rough. However, I highly recommend use of a great and trustworthy friend like our dear little Jambo. He has been a great help and able to say 'yeah' or 'nay'. So all day on Friday, and all evening I have been like Pig Pen over here at this desk. I feel like there is about a million little pieces of paper with all kinds of notes and side notes just stabbing away at this new little adventure of ours.

Peter is a champion and has decided to take with him his current distaste of working at Starbucks and re-live it a our new city. That was his whole intention of taking the job in Redding in the first place. Once we get settled in after a few months, he wants to spread his wings and hopefully look for elsewhere. Maybe Peets... but wouldn't it be so nice if he could find a bike shop? I would love to see him somewhere that feeds his desire.

Through a few phone calls and emails, Steve (the greatest, and bestest) has been able to make a connection for me. And this Friday I have an interview at a most beloved boutique that I have once visited and fell in love. Who new I would be so lucky to have even a shot? We will see. Please keep us in your prayers as this transition will be bittersweet.

coffee and dreams

2008-07-26T00:11:00.000-07:00

Today I was reading at Sue's and I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace. However, not by any one thing I had just read, and it wasn't a certain memory or thought at all. I have had this same tingly peace a few times while daydreaming. I do not know what causes it or how it happens. But it does. I'm sure I read a certain line in the book that makes me glance away to think of the authors intention and it fires some memory, which then leads me to a question, a theory, and then an argument, a second theory, and all of a sudden... the tingly peace. I am fully conscious that I am experiencing whatever it is that I am experiencing. This peace is full of... contentment? I feel so in love, so happy where I am in life, so safe, so full. I don't need any questions answered, not because I feel I have all the answers, but because I don't care to know the answers. I feel I am as I am supposed to be. There is nothing you could add to me that would make me a better version of myself, yetI know that moment I am far from perfection. And as I am sitting, relishing in this peace...I know it will come to an end. It has to for me to experience it again. For if I lived in this daydream it would not quite be a dream, only a state. And I believe that a state of being is self-attainable.

I like that this sensation comes to visit only so often, and that it is not accessible by anything I may try. And when I snap out of this dream, I wonder; was that what people call a blessing? Is that what being blessed feels like? I only ask because although I look at many things in my life and call them blessings, I can't help but wonder what is the "feeling" of a blessing.

I know this sounds weird. But it is completely subjective, and thats what blogging is for right?