blah

so i have officially run out of steam.
this week was a rough one for me.
for those of you who don't know i ended up having to go to the er.
i wished rosie was my nurse.
instead it was a dr. richard toy-which peter found amazing.
i went for excruciating back pain that turned into abdominal pains that turned into me puking my guts out.
i felt dumb going.
i thought for sure i was going to have an outrageous bill only so that they could tell me, 'take some vicaden'.
they found out i had a gall bladder full of stones, one of them which was 1 in...
not gonna pass that one.
they said its not genetic...
my mom had hers removed last year, and had her first 'attack' at my same age (creepy).
my grandma had hers removed and had attacks every month for years.
and my great grandma came close to death when hers exploded from too many stones!
are you sure it's not genetic?
im fine now. just really weak and no energy.
super frustrated with the whole no-insurance thing.
it is so backwards-either we need to make a lot less and we will be covered by the state, or we can work our tails off and still not have enough to cover our monthly insurance fee... not to mention, it would still be a whole lot in co-pays, prescriptions, and a 500 charge for surgery.
they said i will eventually need surgery.
these attacks can keep happening...
the surgery is only $19,000!
the good thing is though that you can't be sent to collections over hospital bills...
is it weird that i was actually relieved to hear the pain was something?
i am so used to friends and family coming back from the hospital with a big bill and without any further steps to take.
at least i know all that pain was caused from something...right?

?

do you think cheezits can substitute for cheese when pairing with wine?

how come people feel the need to sprint only to walk due to exhaustion? you usually get somewhere just as fast when running at a continuous speed.

why don't friends confront each other more often?

if you feel like i could be a better person... please let me know.

why is it so hard to follow the path of truth when listening in to politics?

do we learn because we are open to to change?

how come there are people that live for traveling and others who can stay in the same place forever?

how can you live without seeing?

maybe i am just broken. maybe its a fault of mine. maybe i only want to see the world because i am afraid of missing out...

how come music makes me cry before anything else?

it's like i need a soundtrack of my life to trigger my emotions.

i feel you need people to fully live.

is that wrong?

how come we are still in iraq?

i know, i know, loaded question. but really, how come?

do you think being 'in love' is a feeling... or a choice?

i think love is a choice. but what about 'in love'?

do you think that someone can really live a full life without a hope for a higher being?

how come i love fashion/clothing so much?

it is an honest love. but why can't i be in love with...i dunno...hiking or something. sometimes i feel like less of person because i love clothing so much.

what kind of music do you think Jesus was into?

i think his ipod would feature soul music, maybe some blues... rock and roll... anything played from the heart.

defiantly not anything they play on the christian radio station...

how come some people care, and some people don't?

how come some people get life and others don't?

how come i'm so curious?

sometimes i feel as if its my greatest attribute and sometimes i feel ridiculous. 

crickett cafe

we ate breakfast next to chris walla today.

cure all

more and more leaves fall on top of my car with the weight of the morning dew

the chill in the morning is progressively biting away at my toes

weekends bring friends-bring hamms-bring good times

childlike board games burn away the nights wick

our apartment leaks of laughter and holds the people that matter

friends bridge the distance between my family and i

we walk to no specific place at all as long as their will be room for us all

the times between friends have become minimal

i am fulfilling my hospitable purpose with those who wish to partake

differences amongst us have taken the back-seat and are noted with respect

the snooze button has lost its appeal to the early possibilities of the day

portland is golden

hello world

we have had some great friends come and stay with us. i have much enjoyed having curt and nate's visit. curts will come to an end tomorrow. and nate will stay a little lover for the dr. dog show on tuesday! can't wait! we are having some friends (and new possible friends who i have not yet met) over for a bbq tonight. i am so at home when entertaining. you should come visit...

internal battles

currently only working 3 days a week.

loving the time to myself and my soul.

then feel guilty.

this is the noise my mind makes:

'could be saving more money if i worked more'

'but i don't care about more money'

'but you do care to travel and see your parents'

'but you could give up other things in life *ahem* like lattes'

i am enjoying getting 9 hrs of sleep a night,

waking up and going on long walks in the parks,

making an actual healthy breakfast,

and then cleaning house everyday.

i find myself a much more rounded person.

i have a lot more to give others.

i am able to spend at least an hour a day reading (for enjoyment).

i am so much more active.

i have the energy to walk and ride bike everywhere.

we are making it just fine if i only work 3 days a week...

but if i worked more then i could buy peter all his bike rain gear.

and i could pay for my brother to come up here (and convince him to move).

hell, i could by all my friends a ticket up here.

i want to share my money.

i could work more so that peter can quit his life-sucking-pain-in-his-ass-job!

and i could get benefits so that peter can work anywhere he wants!

*sigh*

so i have my second interview tomorrow to start at that nanny agency. i still am not sure if i am going to take it or not. i know i would love the actual job. but then other areas of my life seem to start eating away at my time spent feeding my soul. i absolutely love watching kids. i am just a but leery... well you heard the conversation...

visions

so today i went to church for the second time at imago dei and was thoroughly blessed. for whatever reason- we entered the service and i marched right up front to the first few rows and found myself a spot. in the last few years i have attended church- i have not sat in the front for at least the last 5 years. but man... do i pay much more attention! maybe it's just less to look at? maybe there is nothing but the stage to focus my attention on? i am not sure, but i do know i was so inthralled with what was shared this sunday. during offering a girl played a song (she mayor may not have written herself) and it was just her and her guitar. so simple yet so loaded. then the main pastor spoke today on I Corinthians. it had biblical background, strong theology, and a whole lot of practical application for the dumbies like me. i just sat back and was blown away with how much i had to learn. and then i had a vision...

i was running through a field of tall grass blowing in the wind. the field was endless and there was no one thing i was running towards.  but i noticed a series of very giant staggering flagpoles. (like the one between bechelli and i5 in redding) and each flagpole had a beautiful flag that whipped strongly in the wind. each flag told a story and communicated such genuine life. every flag was different and as i ran from flag to flag i was equally impressed. every flag was different and had a different life lesson to share with me. over time i noticed that there were some flagpoles that were left unattended and the flag was in a pile at the bottom of the pole. not being used. not fulfilling its purpose. and then i noticed that each pole had someone standing at the base flying their flag of a story. they were people who were showing their lives for me to see. all of them proud to have a flag. the poles that had nothing to show had people who were grey in color and sat at their pole in what seemed a bitter shame. they were lifeless and defiant. i noticed that the more flags i got to read/see the more i felt blessed. and then i came to my pole. it was at half mass. not because i didn't want to fly what i had to show. but because i was to occupied seeing what other had to show me.

and that is when i had the revelation. today in church i was so moved by one girl who followed a will to sing to us today in church and i was taught some valuable life lessons today by one man who followed his calling to become a pastor. but what if they didn't follow their calling? would i have been AS filled? so in the mornings when i get up and i think 'maybe i should reflect on all i am thankful for and take the time to identify with the salvation i have received...' and the decision i make to hit snooze and to ignore my instincts... maybe i am denying a chance for God to do a work in me SO that i can show people the freedom i have in Christ... the choice that i have to follow God in every moment is mine to make. BUT  is it a story of grace that i am robbing from others?

i know this is kinda out there. but it was a thought that i was rolling over all day. i have always taken my faith as a selfish endeavor. however... am i cheapening the story that God wants to display through me?

choschkees

i have no idea how to spell 'choschkees' but it is pronounced 'cha-sch-keys'. and that is what peter and i call all those fun things that get to fill our bookshelves, walls, and any other crevice we can find to inhabit with a new CHOSCHKEE! and there is an abundance of the cute dust collecting nessecities up her in portland. i am assuming they are collected from all the amazing old houses that end up having an estate sale. we have been to a few on the weekends, and you can walk through these homes that tell a story of a long lived life. you can see the shadows left by freshly sold furniture on the light stained wall paper. you can smell that particular families smell. and you can take a treasure home that has watched over someone for many years and hopefully will make it through our long life together.

each day it seems like we bring home a new little something and togther have collabratley made up our living space in this new world of ours. what was once our lonely book collection, has now become a family that is ecclectic as we are as people. i wouldn't say we are quite finished. but is anyone ever really finished bringing home choschkees?

here are a few pics to enjoy:
please notice our antlers, antique picture of some of the first made bicycles, a small little mushroom, old gold glass bowl that holds our matches, an old ceramic pirate ship, a golden owl, and an old trunk. and this is only in our living room. our kitchen is only starting to collect bits and pieces of others in this life.

priorities

amongst all the deciding factors that will weigh in on life; and all the grand ideas i hear and see; i at times get lost with who i am and who i strive to be in life. so i complied a mental list that i like to remind myself in these states of disarray. some of these are serious matters and others are light reminders.

1. money is not what i am living for. i do not care to have a career for any other reason other then i do what i do because i like it. i have never made a lot of money, and nor do i care to. i consider myself a very hardworking mama, therefore i will work my ass off anywhere i need to. (side note: my first job was the summer i turned 15 and my mom would drop me off every morning at 6:30am and i worked in the warehouse for the school district. most of the time, unloading, loading and dropping off pallets of school supplies. i will say that although it was a ridiculously hard job for a 15 yr old girl- i knew no different and at the time though that was what work is. all that to say- i am not afraid to work at mcdonalds if thats what it takes to pay bills.) i know to many people that get wrapped up in this mentality that they 'need to make it'. so they work 60 hour weeks so that they can get the promotion; only to work another 60 hours a week in a different office... waiting for the next promotion? umm- what are you trying to make it to? and once you make it, then what? 
2. i will always attend church. no matter where i am in my relationship with Christ. i will attend church. even when i HATE the church. i will attend church. even when i feel foolish for believing in something that i cannot see or feel for months at a time. i will attend church. i say this full well knowing that i am really young and have not gone through the 'trials of life' but i am making a vow to myself that i will always attend church. amongst all the great new ideas people have of making their own version, and my especially favorite excuse; 'i think i have a better idea of christianity without the church'. the church has always been there and always will. yes it is fallen, but thank God for it because i am fallen as well.
3. i want to end up doing some sort of missions. i have no clue what this looks like. sometimes i (we) feel led to go into some sort of nursing school to physically help those out in need. and lately we feel like saving to buy land somewhere out in the country...oregon is much more cheap then california. it would be some sort of farm-barn-dorm-commune that serves the community. we would grow organic produce that we would live off of and sell to the local businesses. and offer room and board to those who wish to help out on the farm or just general matenince. i would love to offer a place for those struggling families who wish to work and take a break from bills. once they get their feet underneath them i could hook them up with people in the community who they could make a long term commitment with. pastors could take their sabbatical there. we would love to provide a lovely library full of theological and philosophical reading materials and have a pastor always in sight to give some guidance. 
4. i want to travel the world. not in any sort rich sort of way. i mean trial and error sort of traveling. we are the vacationers who love spontaneous trips (shout out to team adventure) and trying new things. there is just so much to see and so little time. already on my days off i ride the bus, ride my bike, and constantly go to parts of portland where i have never been. sometimes its a bummer, but most times i find a treasure or two. 
5. family is forever. i cannot make decisions based on my friends. for when i do, they let me down. just as i have let down many people. but my family always comes through-in their own sort of way. it is so important to make that extra effort. 
6. i don't do the gym thing. so many times i join the gym and go for a couple months and then spend the rest of the year paying off the damn membership. i will just stick to the outdoors for free.
7. i will adopt at least one child and ideally from a less fortunate situation/country. this is a battle within me. this world is a tough one and so often i think that i should just adopt a child that was already born into this world. on my bad days i think i would never want to bring a child into this world. but then i look at peter and how extraordinary he is and i want a child that will capture him. that will look up to him and be like him. thus is the battle.

these are just some of the for-sure's of the life of lauren. thanks for reading.

curry flurry!

tonight we feast on peter's famous curry and garlic tofu! i wish you could all be here with us. we are still working on the whole making friends thing. of course peter is great at it. i, on the other hand, am just a bit more shy. joey is obviously making an appearance with his neighbor ashley who is also great. we are used to making this dish for at least 25 people. so making it for just four is a bit challenging. our proportions seem to be way off? and those of you who know me-know that i thrive off of having friends and family in my home; preparing appetizers, passing out drinks, and making sure there is more then enough dinner for everyone. throw in a theme and BAM you got to be there! 

we have met a few great people;

joey's good friends and neighbors- ashley, lindsay and nich, jeremy and the original songwriter herself: sally

my work pals- shannon, brady, and awesome boss katy (who wins awesome points for giving me a beer after work on saturdays!)

and them some randoms like trip and laura and eric and annmarie

oh and peter's cousins- liz and lindsey

and oh how i am thankful for all these beautiful people who have made transitions so much smoother. but i do miss the comfort of a having all who love and care within a few miles. and i do miss my church family.

but i cannot wait for my dear friend curtis to come up in 9 days and my great friend nate to move up here in 10 days! please please the rest of you come and visit and i will show you all we have discovered in this beautiful town!

no words...

there is nothing to say. so i will let this photo speak for me. however, make note of the socks.

the day of labes...

days off...

smells of friends congregating over a barbecue...

incense burning in the background...

noise of people bustling with their bags full of fresh produce from the farmers market...

listening to the faint conversations of peter and joey in the courtyard...

tastes of the pinot grigio and

anticipation for the garlic marinated corn on the cob.

relaxation and certainty.

breath of simplicity and pleasure.

all is well.

well with my soul.